Red vs Blue: Symphonian Stories Season 2
by Rey'ekk
Summary: AU Based off of Red vs. Blue. Emil now has himself a new body, a new face shows up in the canyon, and your usual chaos and stupidity you would expect to happen, happens. And then some... Read and Review!
1. The Medic

Chapter 1

The Medic

* * *

"Come in Blue Command, come in."

A person with blonde hair and purple armor was sitting at the edge of the canyon, overlooking the concrete structure easy recognizable by its blue flashing lights. Tapping his radio earpiece idly, he was greeted with nothing but radio static. "This is Medical Officer Mithos Yggdrasill. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?"

A voice was trying to crackle through, but it merely sounded like gibberish.

The purple-clad medical officer frowned. "Say again, Blue Command...I do not read."

Once more, talking, but nothing that sounded like words.

Still with his hand attached to the earpiece, Mithos frowned. "Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-"

Finally, the static died down and was replaced with a relaxed tone. "Yo, I hear you, calm down dude, what's goin' on?" The voice, along with the words, sounded more like a stoned teenager than any person in position to represent Blue Command. "Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?"

"Uh..." Mitho's blue eyes flickered left and right. "Roger than, Command..."

"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there." The sound of someone sitting was heard. "This is Botta, what's goin' on dude?"

"Roger that...uh..." Despite the fact facial expressions couldn't be seen over sound-only communication, Mithos frowned unsure he had the right number. "Is this Blue Command?"

"Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?"

Still convinced he had the wrong number, Mithos leaned back. "You sure, the Blue Command base."

"Hey dude, take it easy." Botta tried to ease the caller. "You called me, I didn't call you..."

"Um, I know, it's just..."

"It's just what, dude?"

Mithos sighed. "Ah...nevermind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm going to make contact with the Blue Squad members."

"Blood Gulch, eh?" If a smile could be heard over radio, then that's what Mithos was convinced the exhale noise was. "Alright, let me look here, see what it says...Blood Gulch..." After some indistinguishable gibberish, Botta seemed to have found it. "Alright, here we go, Blood Gulch. Says here you wanna make contact with Private Irving, ask him about their wounded dude."

"Roger that, any other orders?" Mithos began to descend the canyon, down the slope for easier access to the ground.

"Anything else, yeah okay...yeah it says here whatever you do don't-oh, okay. Nevermind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh...you'll be okay, just uh, be very careful. That's all."

"Great..."

"Alright then." Some tapping. "Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say 'Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on.' Over and out." With that entirely unnecessary speech, the transmission ended.

"Alright..." Mithos glanced back at the base. "Private Irving..."

* * *

"Hey Castagnier, we have a problem..."

Emil Castagnier growled something to himself, before turning to Lloyd. "I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!"

"I'm telling you," Lloyd Irving let out a whine. "He's crazy! He keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice!"

Genis Sage's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about? No I didn't!"

"Oh, so you're saying you _didn't_ threaten to cut off my head and give it to Castagnier as a birthday present?"

"...you know man?" Genis frowned, crossing his arms. "I think you're taking my words a little out of context."

"What context?"

"Listen guys..." Emil Castagnier rubbed his head in frustration. "This competition thing has got to stop, okay? See, I thought we'd established by now-"

"Excuse me," piped Mithos, who had run to Emil's side.

"Hey, pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here."

Mithos watched with interest.

"Anyway...I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good."

Figuring the weird robot-looking guy's speech was over, Mithos tried to get his attention again. "Excuse me..."

Emil turned to face him. "Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you."

Genis Sage's eyes narrowed as he turned his head to the teal-clad soldier next to him. "**Don't ever be alone...**"

Inching away slowly, Lloyd looked at Emil with a sense of urgency, "He's doing that thing again!"

Watching the exchange, Mithos continued. "Um...my name's Yggdrasill. Uh, are you Private Irving?"

"No, I am not Private Irving. My name is Castagnier. This is Private Irving."

Seemingly getting over Genis's creepy stare, Lloyd flashed a peace sign. "Yo!"

"And our friend over there in regulation blue with the silver hair?" Emil jerked a thumb at Genis. "That's Sage. Or Tenebrae, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself."

Genis gave the group a vacant stare. "Why did you introduce me second?"

"Because he hates you," was Lloyd's answer.

"I received your call for a Medic," Mithos said, pointing to his small metal nameplate designating his status.

"Medic?" Genis turned to look at the newcomer. "Dude, that was like three months ago."

Lloyd folded his arms. "Yeah seriously, what'd you do, crawl all the way here?"

Mithos continued, unfazed by the comment. "I came as quickly as I could...where's the patient?"

With a no-nonsense face, Emil pointed to a set of objects behind Mithos. "Well, she's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down."

Mithos turned to face the objects in question-two tombstones, nothing engraved on them, and looking like a hunk from the base was taken to make them. "...oh. Um..." Awkwardly, Mithos turned to face Emil. "I'm sorry about your loss..."

"Wha-oh, yeah...yeah, thanks..." Being that he was mechanical, Emil could not blush, but Mithos could tell that he would be. "It was tough, but, well, what're you gonna do..."

"We didn't like her very much anyway," Genis interrupted, then added in a whisper, "She was mean to other people."

Mithos found himself looking at the other tombstone. "...wait, who's that in the other grave?"

"That's uh... that's me," Emil responded flatly. "I'm in that grave."

"...uh huh...'course." Despite the overwhelming evidence in support of Emil's claims, Mithos found himself extremely skeptical.

"See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank..." Genis began to scratch the back of his head.

"Or by the idiot driving it," Lloyd smirked.

"Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oh yeah, spray paint him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who is blue." Genis ended his speech with a childish grin.

"Right, and it took us six weeks to get his freakin' Spanish setting turned off," Lloyd interjected.

"No esta completamente apagado, pendejo." (Not entirely turned off, moron.) Emil added after something inside of him clicked.

"I'll go get the Spanish dictionary..."

Mithos lifted a hand. "Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"

Emil shrugged. "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever." He tapped the two metal devices at the side of his head and something else clicked. "See, whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"What the hell? You said they were shorting out!"

Emil turned his ears back on. "Oh I'm sorry, what's that, Sage? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Well then...let me just check you two out and I'll be on my way," Mithos said, sliding a small scanner from the holster on his leg to his hand.

"Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?" Lloyd asked, furrowing his brows.

Mithos held up the scanner, pressing some buttons on it. "No, I'm just going to check your vitals."

Genis smirked at Lloyd. "I bet I have better vitals than you." He then turned to Mithos. "...what's a vital?"

"On your way?" Emil stepped forward. "I don't think so! Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help with Lu and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"First of all, great job on the Lu thing. Mission accomplished." Emil appeared more agitated at the mention of Marta's codename. "Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."

Mithos continued with his scan. "Well, even if my orders don't prohibit me from doing that...I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector." Emil was the only one that actually knew what that meant.

"...a what?" Lloyd asked.

"I'm a pacifist."

Genis looked rather confused. "You're a thing that babies suck on?"

"No Sage, that's a pedophile." Lloyd corrected.

"Irving, he means a pacifier." Emil correctly corrected.

"Oh yeah. ...I was totally thinking about something else..."

"Yeah, that's real classy, Irving." Emil had his hand covering most of his face, trying to mask his irritation at his teammate's stupidity

The scanner bleeped. "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave. Can you tell me which way is the Red base?"

"Why?" Lloyd inquired. "You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"Man, that is so freakin' lame." Emil huffed.

"I'm just gonna go to the Red base and see if they need any help."

"Well, little advice here man. If you're gonna go up to Red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours." Emil motioned to the scanner. "They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand."

Out of nowhere, a bullet slammed right into the medical scanner with enough force to send the broken device from Mithos's hand.

"Yeah, just like that."

Another shot flies past.

"SCATTER!" Everyone took cover for impending attack.

* * *

Just over the hill, were 4 figures, all clad in armor close to the color red. They were the Tethe'allan Reds.

"Nice shot, cupcake," the tall Sergeant smirked.

"Thanks, Sarge!" Presea Combatir smiled.

With the machine gun spitting, Sheena Fujibayashi grinned. "Suck it, Blue!"

Blocking Sheena's target, Zelos Wilder moved to his feet. "Yeah, sneak attack!"

"Sit down, dumbass! I can't see!"

"Lock and load, guys," Kratos Aurion's smirk formed into a grin. "Let's go get 'em."

* * *

The Reds had actually formed a good attack plan, completely pinning down the Blue's and separating Genis from Emil, Lloyd, and the medic Mithos. There was no way Genis was going to survive alone at the rock he was taking cover at, so Emil decided to send one of the people over there to help him.

"Okay Irving, I need you to get up there, help Sage shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice." Emil ordered.

"I didn't even know what half of that meant." remarked Lloyd.

"Just go over to Sage's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."

"That rock?" Between them and Genis was a literal hail of bullets."Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not, have time, to discuss this." Emil started to get pissed.

"Sure, no time for _you_to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shooting the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich!"

"Irving, relax. We're going to give you covering fire."

"Covering fire? Unless that means you're going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."

"No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be _in_ your body?"

* * *

Zelos and Sheena were shooting their respective guns at the Blues with Zelos going full-auto instead of standard burst-firing.

"Sheena…I can't feel my hands," Zelos cried.

"Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass."

* * *

"Alright you, Yggy, get over there and help Sage." ordered Emil.

"My name isn't Yggy, it's Yggdrasill." Mithos frowned.

"Yeah. Look dude, I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Yggy. Yeah Dr. Yggy, that sounds good."

"I'm not really comfortable with that name, and I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic."

"Well, What's the difference?" asked Lloyd.

"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable...while they die."

"Mental note: don't ever get shot." Lloyd now feared for his life more then he did earlier.

"It's settled then. Your name is now Yggy." announced Emil.

"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."

"Oh trust us, it'll stick," said Lloyd.

"Now get over to Sage, and help him hold that position," Emil ordered again.

"I don't have a gun, remember? I am a pacifist."

"Well then just get over there, and yell '**BANG BANG BANG!**'"

"I don't know. Even _that _sounds pretty aggressive." Mithos had to have been the biggest punk Emil and Lloyd had ever met.

"Oh, come on," Lloyd remarked.

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

"Huh. I see." Emil raised his handgun to Genis and fired one shot at him.

"OW, MY FOOT!" Sage yelled.

"Well, looks like Sage has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Yggy." Emil smirked.

"You know, you could have just asked nicely." Mithos frowned as he made his way to help Genis.

* * *

Back on the Red side, Sheena kept shooting until her clip was empty.

"Oh crap, I'm out. Give me some ammo, Zelos." Zelos looked at her incredulously.

"Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one to one bullet."

"Wha…how can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds into battle."

"Wait, since when?"

"Since the last staff meeting."

"We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just put on my shades and fall asleep."

"Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo."

"What's your job?"

"Me? I'm the Social Chairman."

Kratos and Presea ran over to Zelos and Sheena, both out of ammo.

"Wilder, Treasurer Combatir and I are empty. We need some clips," Kratos said.

"Hey Zelos, you remember that one shot you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it," said Sheena, her voice dangerously cold.

* * *

Yggy was over now on Sage's rock, helping him with his 'injury'.

"I'm here Sage, where are you hit?"

"Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!"

"The left foot?"

"Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and…"

"I'm just going to assume it's the bleeding one."

"Yeah, the red one. Ah. I can't believe Castagnier shot me."

"OH DON'T EVEN START, SAGE!" his leader yelled.

"Anything else?" asked Yggy.

"Uh, well what?"

"You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?"

"Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, Well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason."

Mithos had not been expecting that, and wasn't even trying to go in that direction today. "...Okay I'm just going to start with the foot."

"Okay."

* * *

Emil and Lloyd had been listening to silence for several minutes now.

"Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?" asked Lloyd.

"I don't know, maybe they're out of ammo."

"Hey Blues," Kratos yelled on the opposite side, "We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

"Surrender?" wondered Emil.


	2. How to Strip a Man of his Dignity

Chapter 2

How to Strip a Man of his Dignity

"We are giving you a chance to surrender!" Kratos tried to bluff since then were now out of ammo, and didn't want to lose this little battle and look stupid, especially since they were the attackers.

"There is no way in hell this bluff is going to work." remarked Zelos.

"Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's absolutely no possible way they know we're out of ammo."

* * *

"Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo," laughed Emil. He decided to make it look real, just to see what they would ask. "What're your terms?"

"Their what?" asked Lloyd.

* * *

"Our what?" asked Zelos.

"I can't believe this is actually working." said Sheena, "See if we can get Aska back, Sarge."

"Oh yeah. Cause then he can fix the Warthog."

"Oh, oh Sarge, tell them we want the flag," Presea recommended.

"Yeah and some cake," said Zelos.

"Oh…Wait wait you know what, nevermind. Just the cake."

"Alright Blues!" began Kratos, "First off! We want your flag…!"

"Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, that really mean brunette chick with the black armor showed up and kicked our asses. " interrupted Sheena.

"…To stay right where it is," continued Kratos, "Keep the flag! But we _do_ want our mechanized droid guy back!"

* * *

"Uh oh." said Emil.

* * *

"You may know him as Señor El Roboto!"

* * *

"Well Castagnier, what's it going to be?" asked Lloyd.

"What? No way! I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

* * *

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or any other mechanical parts you may have!" Kratos yelled.

* * *

"Uh, uh he's not here anymore!" Emil yelled back.

"Yeah, he left! He was all like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!" added Lloyd.

"That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French." Emil then got an idea. "Let's try this. Hey Reds! How about a medic? Would you take a medic as a hostage?"

"A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there," said Mithos as he and Genis approached the others.

* * *

"A medic? Well, that sounds pretty good to me." agreed Sheena.

"I don't know." thought Zelos, "I think we can hold out for more."

"We don't have any ammo, dumbass." Sheena said flatly.

"Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal."

* * *

"Hey Yggy, How's the patient?" Emil asked.

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive," the medic answered.

"...he's talking about Sage, right?" asked Lloyd.

"No I mean his toe, how's the toe i shot?" Emil corrected.

"What that thing? It fell off like half an hour ago," replied Mithos.

"Rest in peace, little pinky toe," cried Genis, then he said in a deep voice, "**You shall be avenged.**"

"Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help." sighed Mithos. He had enough of the three stooges.

"Okay! We are going to send over our medic!" Emil yelled to the Reds, "Now what do we get!"

* * *

"You? You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!" replied Sheena.

* * *

"We've already got that!" said Lloyd, "What else do you have!"

* * *

"What do you want?" asked Kratos.

* * *

"How about you admit that the Red Team sucks?" proposed Emil.

Kratos and his team muttered to themselves for a moment.

"What if we admit that one of us sucks!" asked Kratos.

"Nice. Wait, you mean Combatir, right?" said Zelos, he started to get a bit worried.

* * *

Two hours later…

"Okay then! We agree to the terms!" replied3 Emil, "You first, and then we send over the medic!"

"Get on with it Zelos," ordered Kratos.

Zelos swore that he was going to have to kill somebody for what he was about to do. Didn't help that both Kratos and Emil had gotten camcorders for this.

"Ugh... I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!"

"And!" added Emil.

"And that I'm a girl…"

"What else!"

"And I like putting ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!" Lloyd fell over laughing at what they all had Zelos do, and even asked Emil to make some copies for posterity.

"This may be the greatest surrender of all time," smiled Kratos. He probably had some of the best footage of his least favorite private and wouldn't hesitate to bring this up randomly now, just to mess with him.

"Okay, is that good enough?" asked Sheena, after she had finished her laughing bouts.

"Yeah!" replied Emil, "Alright, go ahead Yggy."

The pacifist medic ran over to the other side.

"Man, I really hope you're worth this," said Zelos. Mithos was officialy convinced everyone in the canyon was crazy, and thought there was something that might be causing it. He decided to ask Zelos to see if there was anything possibly influencing their mental status.

"Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?"

"Water? We ran out of water six months ago."

"No water? Then what do you drink?" Mithos asked confused.

"Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual."

"I only drink the blood of my enemies." Kratos announced. "And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo. Or a Sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a piña colada." He then started singing, much to the chagrin of everyone around him. "If you like piña coladas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Wilder just has half a brain, ungh.

_Why me? _Mithos thought to himself.

* * *

After they had returned to Red Base, Zelos was watching Mithos while the others were looking at the Warthog. Zelos was telling Mithos about when Kratos got shot in the head with a sniper rifle and brought him back with CPR. Mithos looked at him like this was something that shouldn't be possible.

"So he was shot in the head,"said Mithos.

"Right," answered Zelos.

"And you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head..."

"Exactly."

"...yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment." Mithos had a good amount of sarcasm in his voice.

"That's what I said." Zelos actually didnt catch the hint of sarcasm in Mithos's voice.

"Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that Blue that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera and he was fine." Mithos gave up trying to be sarcastic since he was pretty sure his guard didn't catch on to it.

"Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge is wrong." Kratos got up and looked to see the two talking like nothing was happening.

"Wilder! Your supposed to be guarding the prisoner," Kratos yelled, "Not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!"

"Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun. What's he gonna do?" Zelos retorted.

"Oh, well you two will be great friends then," Sheena said sarcastically, "_He_ doesn't have a gun, and _you _didn't bring any ammo!"

"Hey thanks, kiss-ass! If I want to take guarding tips from the chick that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you." Zelos smirked, proud of the burn he just gave to Sheena, who couldn't make a good comeback to that.

"Oh man, that is a burn," commented Presea, "You just got burned, Sheena. Burned!"

"Oh shut up, your armor's pink." retorted Sheena, pissed at losing to Zelos at insults.

"Uh, hey, guys? I, I just want everybody to know that Wilder and I aren't, uh, technically friends. We're just talking. That's it," Mithos explained then turned to Zelos, "Sorry man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm going to make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand."

Zelos just stared at him in disgust.

"It's only because no one likes you... Stop staring at me."

* * *

Over at the Blue base, Lloyd was wondering about something and asked his leader.

"Hey Catagnier, I just thought about something. If your body is the Reds' droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Luna?"

"Huh... I never thought about that. Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. Alright, stand back."

Emil started trying to activate some mechanism in Aska's body but nothing was working.

"Anything?" asked Lloyd.

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere." Lloyd inquired.

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!"

"Found it?"

"Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing." Lloyd was sure that the temperature function was broken or something.

"Celsius, Irving."

"Oh come on dude, Celsius sucks."

Lloyd searched everywhere on the torso, then knelt down in front of Emil, "Hey, I found something."

"Oh yeah? You found a button?" Emil asked with hope.

"No dude, it's more like a…switch." Lloyd answered with a odd tone. Like something was wrong with it.

"Well, give it a flip." Emil said, not catching the tone.

"I don't want to flip it."

"What's the problem?"

"It's in a weird place..." Emil thought of the weirdest place you could have for a switch on something, then realized what he meant.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me."

"You flip it."

"These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there."

"What about Sage? Can't he do it?" Emil rolled his eyes at the idea of Genis helping him.

"Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"Oh man…"

"Irving, Irving, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner." Emil promised.

Lloyd got down again on his knees and tries to flip the switch on Aska's body to no avail.

"It won't move, it's stuck."

"Did you try wiggling it?" Lloyd stepped back and stared at Emil like he had grown another head.

"Oh no, no way, I'm not wiggling your dongle!"

"Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it."

Lloyd mumbled something to himself about this being ridiculous, and as he went back down, Emil decided to mess around with his teammate.

"…So, you come from around here baby?" he joked.

"Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that!" yelled Lloyd.

"Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding." Emil finally got serious.

"I wish Lu was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it." Lloyd smirked.

"You obviously did not know Lu that well."

Lloyd was able to get the switch flipped and then a beeping noise came on that only Emil was able to hear.

"There! Anything?" he asked.

"Nope. Nothing. That's kind of weird," Emil thought, "Do you hear something beeping?"

* * *

Back at the Red side, Kratos was thinking about what to do with the medic.

"So are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?" he asked Sheena and Presea.

Unbeknownst to any of them, the beeping started up in there vicinity.

"Well, we have to get him away from Zelos, because ...yeah, you know, it's kind of cruel and unusual to have to talk to him. I should know, I've known him half my life." said Sheena.

"How bout we um, let him trade armor color with uh, one of us?" suggested Presea, "That would show him."

Just then, the headlights of the Warthog turned on and the engine started.

"Warthog online," the vehicle said, "Homing beacon activated."

"Uhh, Sarge…D, did the car just talk?" Presea asked, scared.

"Uh oh…" said Kratos.


	3. WTFness

Chapter 3

WTFness

Kratos explained why the jeep would've been able to turn on by itself. He had built a control mechanism in Aska before he disappeared, and someone had activated it.

"Okay, I get it. You built a remote control for the jeep into Aska." Sheena summed it up.

"Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would_ ever_ look. Unless..." He turned to Presea. "Hey, Pretty-in-Pink, were you messing with my robot?"

Presea, wasn't even gonna bother defending her armor color this time, and just simply said,"What're you asking me for?"

Zelos was more worried about them getting killed right now. "So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?"

"Oh, relax, you bunch of Barbies. Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that." If only he saw the odd looks he got from his subordinates.

* * *

Over at Blue Base, Emil was getting somewhat annoyed by the beeping sound and tried to find some kind of way to turn it off with the help of Genis and Lloyd.

"There, you hear that?"

"Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?" Lloyd asked.

"No, it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise."

"Oh. Then no, I don't hear anything." Lloyd shook his head.

"Do you uh..." Emil raised a brow. "Wait, do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

"No, I was just tryin' to be helpful." Lloyd scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, well, you're failing." Emil said.

"All I hear is that voice, you know, telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us." Genis simply said. Emil and Lloyd went wide eyed at what they heard and stared at him like he was nuts.

"Wait, you guys don't hear that?" Genis raised an eyebrow.

Emil was about to say something but the incessant beeping made it difficult for him to keep whatever tiny bit of sanity he had left, and he had to get of that beeping fast.

"Oh man, I can't take this any more. Irving, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy."

* * *

"Drive." The Warthog instantly said.

"Oh shit, they've cracked the code. Those damn wind-talkers." Kratos now had something to worry of a sudden, the Warthog drove straight into Mithos and hit him over the hood. He landed in the driver's seat and the Warthog kept driving.

"Hey, he's taking the jeep!" Presea yelled.

"Help, this jeep is kidnapping me!" Mithos was panicking like crazy.

"Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing."

"Hey, Sarge, new rule. How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it." Sheena hung her head a bit.

* * *

Lloyd and Genis were inspecting Emil's robotic body, looking for a way to turn off the noise, and went back down to the switch that started it.

"I see a switch down here." Genis then added. "It's not very big though."

"Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it."

"Wait, stop." Emil said, unknowingly controlling the Warthog.

* * *

"Stop." All of a sudden, the Warthog stopped.

* * *

"Sage, do you know how to work a switch?"

"Uhhhhhhh..."

_Wow how did i call that one?_, Emil thought to himself. "Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction."

* * *

"Turn around." The Warthog turned around all of a sudden.

* * *

Genis started messing with the switch, until it somehow was able to break. "Oops. It broke itself."

Emil would've punched him in the head if he could've.

* * *

"Oh man, what now?" Mithos wondered.

"That does not look good." Sheena and Presea started to back away while Kratos and Zelos stared at the Jeep. "Nice kitty, nice kitty."

* * *

"Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red." Lloyd told Emil.

"What about the blue one?" Genis asked.

"That's your thumb, idiot."

Emil started to get impatient. "Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out."

"Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there."

"Then just yank 'em both."

Genis stood up to face Emil with full seriousness in his face. "Emil we gotta be careful. If we pick the wrong one we might mess you up even more. Hell you could explode."

"I don't care, look, just follow the red one."

* * *

"Acquire target: red."

Zelos, Sheena and Presea all backed away from Kratos, the only one wearing full red. "Uh, Sarge, yeah, you may wanna start running. Like right now."

"Ahhhhh fudge pumps."

* * *

"Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes.. uhh, someplace else?"

"Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one."

* * *

The Warthog suddenly rammed Kratos into the wall, and the impact caused him to drop his shotgun.

"Ugh...I'm pinned! I can't move!

"Eliminate red target." The turret then started spitting bullets and progressively started getting closer to Kratos's face.

"Yggy, stop that thing, you're gonna kill him!" Zelos yelled.

"What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this."

"Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?" Sheena inquired, and was met with a death glare by Kratos.

"Actually, it's something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!"

"Okay, we got to do something here guys," said Sheena.

"You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor!" called Presea.

* * *

"Okay Castagnier, you ready? I'm going to yank the wire." Lloyd said.

* * *

"Wilder, if you see Aska, tell him I forgive him," Sarge said emotionally, "Tell him, he was like a son to me."

"What about Sheena? I thought she was like a daughter to you?" Zelos wondered.

"No offense, Fujibayashi. Aska and I just, understood each other better."

"Understood? He refused to speak English," Sheena commented.

"Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got," Zelos added.

"And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep." Sheena concluded.

"Ahhhh, what a little rascal." said Kratos.

* * *

"Alright, here goes nothing," Lloyd said, "One…Two…Three!"

He and Genis pulled out the wire and beeping ceased.

"Oh God yes, finally! Some freaking peace and quiet!" said Emil. "I thought that was going to drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?"

* * *

"Signal lost." the Warthog said and shut down.

"Wow, that was a close one," said Zelos, "Are you okay Sarge?"

"Ah, horse plucky, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed."

"It's okay sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality." explained Sheena.

"It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him."

"Taken who, the machine gun?" Zelos asked.

"Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness, cracks in the armor, if you will."

"What? You can't fight a machine gun."

"Yeah, Sarge." Presea agreed. "I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face."

"And yet, he still surrendered."

"Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before." explained Yggy. "Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress."

"Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?" asked Zelos.

"Oh I have my own system, that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver side of the jeep is going to need a thorough cleaning."

"NOT IT!" Zelos, Sheena, and Presea yelled at the same time.

* * *

"This is great, this is just great!" Castagnier yelled, "Thanks a lot Sage! Now what am I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?" he suggested.

"I can't use my legs, moron."

"Oh, I see. …Have you tried running?"

"This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway," said Lloyd, "I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides."

"Hey, I already told you: that was for science."

"Why don't you just try, walking on your hands?" said Genis, "Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ... eat sandwicheeesss... you know, the important stuff."

* * *

"Hey Yggy, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog." suggested Sheena.

"Oh, right. Sorry." But instead of reverse, the medic drove it forward and against Sarge again.

"Oh, hot buttered lugnuts!" Kratos screamed.

"Oh, geez, I'm really sorry, I, I just was in the wrong gear, let me just..." He accidentaly drove the car into Kratos again.

"Yow, geez, there goes my last kidney. I was saving that one for a special occasion."

"Uhhh... Third time's the charm?"

"I don't think so, Poindexter." Zelos and Sheena aimed their pistols straight at Mithos. "Out of the jeep now!" ordered Sheena.

"I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help."

"Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our leader by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue." Zelos said sarcastically.

"… …really?"

"GET OUT!" both Zelos and Sheena yelled.

* * *

"Well start reattaching wires," ordered Emil. "I'll tell you when I feel something."

Lloyd went back down and started messing with the wires again, see if anything would happen. He managed to get one of the wires back in place.

"What about that, do you feel that Castagnier?" Lloyd asked.

"No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything."

"Oh, Castagnier? You know, I was thinkin'. ...ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"Genis began.

"Hey Sage? Yeah. Shut up!"

Genis saw the Reds approach the base with the medic while Lloyd was still down on his knees in front of Emil.

"Uh…Castagnier? I think you should know that the Reds are…" Emil then cut Genis off, having enough of hearing his voice for a while.

"Dammit Sage! You know, in the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for **once**, if you'd SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!"

"Hey Blues, we're here to...what the hell are you guys doing?" Sheena asked.


	4. Awkwardness and Annoyances

Chapter 4

Awkwardness and Annoyances

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Sheena called Reds and the pacifist medic saw Lloyd was kneeling in front of Emil in an awkward position.

"Oh crap, the Reds are here." Lloyd said as he got up quickly.

"What? Sage, why didn't you say anything?" Emil whispered, while Genis frowned at him. "Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

"What were you doing down there?" Zelos asked.

"Nothing. What're you talking about?" Lloyd replied.

"We were just playing a game!" Genis yelled.

"Hey Sage, we'll handle it." Emil whispered, trying to get the rookie to shut up.

"What in the hell is going on at this base?" Zelos wondered.

"I told you these guys were weird." whispered Mithos.

"What do you want Reds? Get out of here, or we'll start shooting at you!" Emil yelled with his back behind the Reds.

"Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?" spat Zelos.

Emil tried to turn around but failed miserably. "...uhgh…no."

"Yeah I didn't think so. Bitch." Zelos smirked, but before he could say anything else, he was stopped by Sheena.

"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner." Sheena explained.

"Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him. A deal's a deal." yelled Lloyd.

"Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him." Zelos responded.

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one." Emil yelled.

"Hey what the hell is your problem?"

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?" Sheena asked, her arms crossed.

"He's shy!" Genis yelled.

"Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kind of private over here." Emil explained.

"That's sad. He _is_ shy." Zelos said to Sheena.

Zelos and Mithos began leaving.

"Fine, but don't come back asking for him later." said Sheena.

"We won't." replied Lloyd.

"Last chance..." called Zelos.

"Beat it Reds!" Emil yelled.

"Alright, we're going, we're going."

* * *

The three of them reassembled over at the hill.

"Man, I thought _our_ team was obnoxious, but those guys are _really_ rude." said Zelos.

"I know right? That was just really uncalled for." Sheena agreed.

Sheena noticed Mithos heading back to the base.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?" Sheena stopped him from going any further.

"Back to base with you guys. They don't want me over there…" Mithos began.

"Yeah, I don't think so." said Zelos.

"What? You're not just going to leave me out here in the middle of nowhere... By myself?"

"Yeah. That's kinda the general idea." said Sheena.

"Not you too, right Wilder? Old buddy? Huh?"

"Sorry, it's pretty clear that you're not very popular around here, and if I'm going to make any progress at all, I can't be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand." he said with a grin as he and Sheena left.

* * *

Back at the Blue base, Lloyd and Genis were watching the Reds leave.

"What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!" said Emil.

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle." said Lloyd.

"Uh, Irving? You might want to look behind you."

Lloyd turned to see Genis holding the sniper rifle in his hands.

"Motherfucker."

Genis saw Zelos and Sheena walking off and Mithos coming back to them. "Uh ooh Castagnier, Castagnier. Okay, I s, I see something... okay... uh the two Reds are walking away... uh... but the purple one is...** I think he's going to attack.**" Genis told them.

"Purple? Oh, wait the purple guy's that worthless medic." grumbled Emil.

"He's not going to attack, he's a pussy fest." Lloyd commented.

"Pacifist." Emil corrected.

"Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter." Lloyd grinned and was about to go find some rope, but was stopped by Emil.

"Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick." Emil said, suspicious of what could happen.

"I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes…" suggested Genis.

"Sage, that is ridiculous." said Lloyd.

"Is it?" He looked at Lloyd. "Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of."

"No, just the regular kind ridiculous."

"Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base." ordered Emil.

"Hey guys, uh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?" asked Mithos.

"I knew it... we're all going to die..." Genis said as he pointed the sniper rifle at the back of Lloyd's head. "**Starting with you**!"

"Sorry, but we're kind of busy here. So go away... or something." replied Lloyd, slowly inching away from the gun pointed at the side of his head.

"Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-" Mithos began but Emil cut him off.

"Listen Yggy, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine."

"Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!" Mithos suggested. Emil had enough, this was obviously not his day.

"Just, get out of here! And tell your buddies, the Reds, that their little 'plan' failed."

"Well this is just great. I can't believe I failed outta medical school for this." Mithos muttered to himself as he left.

* * *

Presea and Kratos stood on top of the Red base waiting for the others to return. Presea tried to make small talk to break the silence.

"So just you and me, hanging at the base today, huh Sarge? This is new. I uhh... I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. You know uhh... it works for me." Presea started whistling, not noticing Kratos was trying to ignore her. After a minute she started again.

"So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? You think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?" Kratos kept ignoring the rookie, somehow being able to completely keep his calm.

"Hey, we're back!" Sheena called out as she and Zelos came up the ramp.

"Oh man, am I glad to see you guys. Kratos would not stop talking. Seriously."

"Zelos, Sheena, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?" Kratos asked, further ignoring the rookie.

"Uh, not exactly, sir. You see, when we showed up, the Blues were doing something really weird, and then th-"

"Really weird. And they were rude," Zelos interrupted.

"Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed _I _was going to tell the story." Sheena said, irritated at her friend.

"Oh well excuse me, go ahead." Zelos said sarcastically.

"Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird, and not just normal weird, really weird."

"You're not telling it right." Zelos interrupted, gaining a death glare from the maroon girl.

"Okay fine, how do _you _remember it?"

"Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details." Zelos said.

"Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir." Sheena said, just deciding to finish the story.

"Why those cunning Blue devils. Does their treachery know no bounds?" said Kratos.

"It wasn't a total loss sir." Zelos then pulled something out of his pocket. "I was able to steal his wallet," Zelos mentioned.

"Zelos, I may make a respectable soldier out of you yet." Kratos smiled and patted the orange soldier on the shoulder.

"Really sir?"

"Hell no!" Kratos barked. "Now leave the money on my dresser, and get back to work!"

* * *

"Alright Irving, what the hell are we going to do man? I got to get my legs working here." Emil said, having no idea what to do about his legs now.

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional, maybe someone who can fix Luna too." Lloyd suggested.

"Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor El Roboto, and Lu."

"Hmm, Lu can be kind of hard to work with." said Genis.

"Yeah. Dead people usually are." Lloyd smirked, motioning towards Emil

"Quite frankly Irving, I find your attitude offensive." Emil frowned, mad not at the insult, but that he didn't have a good comeback to that.

"Wait a second. What about that Aska person? He's available right?" Genis asked.

"No, I'm in his body. Remember?" Emil said, before the rookie actually had the best idea of his life so far.

"Well in that case, why don't you just leave his body, and then Irving and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend, what?" Lloyd said.

"Say what now?" Emil asked.

"I mean uh, Irving and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done," corrected Genis, trying to make them forget about him using the word 'girlfriend'.

"..."

"..."

"I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea..." said Lloyd.

"I know..." agreed Emil.

"…But Sage said it."

"I know..." Lloyd then whacked Emil in the face out of nowhere.

"Ack! What the hell was that for?" Emil yelled.

"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't."

"Lloyd, when you think you're dreaming, you don't _punch_ somebody _else_. You _get_ somebody else to pinch _you_." Emil said, rubbing his head.

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am _not _going to ask you to pinch me." Lloyd responded.

"If you dented my forehead, Irving, I am going to be pissed."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Let's try this: I'll jump out of Aska's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?" Emil asked.

"Yeah, sure," Lloyd replied.

"Okay, Castagnier!" said Bumblebee.

"Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing. HEGAKERGERK!" Emil's ghost left the body of Aska.

"You know, I have to hand it to you Sage, you finally came up with a good idea," said Lloyd.

"Oh, thanks man. It was nothing." Genis said, glad he wasn't getting insulted about a suggestion for once.

"No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about."

As they were talking and looking away from Aska, he began to run off.

"Ya know, I just enjoy the process," said Sage.

Emil began to materialize in his ghost form.

"Yeah-ah, back in the spirit world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kind of... loosely-goosey." He started moving his body around, getting accustomed to being a ghost again, since it's been 3 months since was in that form. He noticed that Aska was gone though. "Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"

"Why do you care about your body, you can't even move your-" Lloyd started but turned to see Aska running over the hill, "Oh hey look, your legs work!" Emil wasn't even pissed, just surprised that Aska was able to gets his legs working instantly.

"**This one is mine**!" Genis yelled as he raised the sniper rifle. He began firing at the robot trying to stop him.

"Hey Sage, whoa cut it out man! You're going to damage my body!" Emil said, "Irving, Sage, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there."

His ghost faded away.

"There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I've still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?" Lloyd stated.

"But Castagnier said for us," Bumblebee began before Lloyd interrupted him.

"Yeah, but Castagnier didn't think of _this_!" he threw a grenade through the teleporter, "Come on, let's go!" He and Genis slid down onto the ground to try and catch up to the runaway robot.

* * *

Emil's ghost form appeared and he stopped Aska from running.

"Alright, hold right there amigo." he said

The grenade popped out from the other side of the teleporter and landed between Emil's feet. Aska was the only one of the two to notice it.

"¿Mira que cosa mas fina?" He started running off.

"Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... robot baby!" He looked at his feet, hearing a slight hissing. "What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade... aw crap."

* * *

An explosion came as Zelos was observing it through the sniper rife.

"What in Sam hell is going on out there, Wilder?" Kratos ordered.

"Sir I think we're under attack! A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack." he answered.

"How many do ya see?" He zoomed to see Lloyd and Genis coming their way.

"There's two running our way, and another one seems to be-" he saw another figure in cobalt running towards Blue Base. "retreating?"

"Oh we'll give them all a reason to retreat. Saddle up, Fujibayashi, let's go rope us some Blue steer!"

"Woohoo! All right, yeah!" she cheered.

"Yeah!"

Both of them ran down the ramp cheering continuing. Presea and Zelos were left alone.

"So... just you 'n' me, hanging out at the base. That's cool," Presea said.

"Shut up rookie." Zelos replied.

"You think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together."

"Oh my God…"

"We talked about all kinds of stuff…"

"I'm not going to sit here and listen to this all day…" Zelos grumbled.

"He showed me a picture of his mother. We talked about home decorating…"

"Are you ever going to shut up?"

"We made macramé ideas…"

"Ugh…"

"We shared recipes for soufflés…"

"How did I get stuck in this place?"

"Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings…"

"Ugh, God…"

"And then, we also discussed…"

"Shut up…"

"What it was like to be a loner in high school…"

"You've got to be kidding me…"

"And, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time…"

"Oh man…"

"I mean Sarge is a really neat person. We talked about his dream the other night…"

"I don't want to listen to this…"

"Where he dreamed, that uh… some shit happened…"

"Why me?"


	5. Maintenance Required

Chapter 5

Maintenance Required

Kratos got into the driver's seat of the Warthog and Sheena got into the tail gunner position.

"Alright, hit it!" Sheena said as they began to drive off.

They past the Blue tank and drove to the location of the explosion.

* * *

Emil was coughing in the smoke, trying to get a grip on what just happened.

"What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs." Emil said to himself.

He looked up and saw the Warthog jump over the hill next to him.

"WOOHOO!" Sheena yelled.

"Ride em' cowboy!" Kratos added.

"Yes! …Hey Sarge, hold on a sec." Sheena jumped out of the back, "Did you see something weird, Sarge?"

"Yes I did. Once when I was a young boy, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle, do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this very…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I meant did you see something weird just now, like five seconds ago?" Sheena said, stopping Kratos from his story.

"Oh. Then no."

Sheena started walking back towards the jeep when something Kratos said sank in. " Wait, what was all that stuff about your uncle?"

"I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!"

"…You want to talk about it?"

"Just get back in the damn jeep."

* * *

Lloyd and Genis were able to intercept Aska as he was coming back to their base.

"Hold it right there, hombre. I told you throwing that grenade through the teleporter would work. Emil is going to be so impressed," commented Lloyd.

"And Luna will love me again, and this time, for who I am, not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too," said Genis.

"Pinche mamónes azules. Es tán tan estúpido que como miran." (Damn these Blue bastards. They really are as stupid as they look.) Aska said.

"**Your soul is the cavern of lies**!" Genis yelled at Aska in his scary voice.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Lloyd asked, extremely confused and scratching his head.

"A es ganado esta tiempo, pero su reinado repugnante va se de breve duración. Los rojos vana ser vengado-" (You may have won this round, but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged-)

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, nobody cares. We need you to fix our tank."

"Nunca vo es trabajar para la enemigo. Pueda un malo estar sobre su alma y su casa. Un mucho tiempo mi raza sufridos, pero muy pronto vamos a ser un día nuevo. La amanecer de nuestro tiempo está cerca, y cuando la noche acontece su gente la trabajadores de la campo va sabrán que está tiempo. Es la tiempo des nosotros, la gran traición de la alto como ésta predicho, que yo digo."

(Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house! Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. The dawn of our time is near, and when the darkness befalls your people the workers of the field will know that this is their moment. It is our time, the great betrayal of the oppressors as was predicted, as I said.)

"Man, I thought Castagnier talked too much. You think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?" Lloyd asked Genis while Aska was going on in his rant.

"Uh Irving? I think that maybe we should begin the going of the running now? The fast running."

"Oh crap!"

They saw the Warthog was behind Aska with its gun pointed at them.

"Hold your fire there, Fujibayashi. This is payback time." Kratos said, with bloodlust in his eyes.

"Go for it sir!"

"That's right, we're just casually strolling away," Lloyd said as he started backing away, "No cause for concern..."

"Running time!" Genis screamed and took off running fullspeed.

"Nice and casual! Moron!"

"Sí, sí, corren perros cobardes." (Yes, yes, run away, you cowardly dogs.) Aska said as he watched them run. "Sea sabido que la gran Aska ha ganado en esta día..." (Be it known that the great Aska has won this day and...)

The Warthog began driving to Aska.

"Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge!" yelled Sheena.

"Way ahead of ya!"

Aska turned to see his own team speeding at and attacking him."¿Qué está pasando?" (What is happening?)

On his viewing screen, an image appeared, "System Override Protocol Remote Destruct Sequence".

"We got ya now, you Blue bastard!" said Sheena.

"No me ha dado otro opción."(You have given me no choice.)

"Hey Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?"

The Warthog all of a sudden exploded and it flipped backwards several times in the air.

"Perdóneme, padre." (I'm sorry, father) said Aska.

Lloyd and Genis came back to see the damage, relieved they were still alive, and not only that, but the robot helped them.

"Alright! Not bad, robot dude!" commented Lloyd.

"I knew he would save us. I knew it!" Genis cheered, "Robot people always like me. It's because of my awesome dancing."

Aska turned to them slowly, feeling lost, and betrayed. "Mi espíritu está quebrado. Mis gente a abandonado me y ahora todo está perdido. Haga con mí que quieres." (My spirit is broken. My people have betrayed me and now all is lost. Do with me as you will.)

"Yeah okay man, can you just shut up and fix our tank?" asked Lloyd, not understanding a word of Spanish.

"Dancing time!" yelled Genis, "Doo, doo, doo, doo..."

"La corazón de esta guerrero uera en dolor. ¿Por qué esta torpe esté bailando absurdo? ¿Son esos movimientos supuesto hacer lo ver como un robótica? No. Soy ofendido por esto." (The heart of this warrior cries out in sorrow. Why does this one mock me with his foolish dancing? Are those moves supposed to make him look like a robot? They do not. I am offended by this.)

"Hah Kay ha hoh goooooooo... Dancing time!"

* * *

The Reds all gathered around the Warthog that was once again damaged.

"Is it just me, or does this jeep seem like really bad luck?" Zelos asked.

"Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it does seem like every time we get in to the damn thing, it breaks, or explodes, or goes crazy and tries to kill one of us." Sheena said.

"Maybe we should try exchanging it for a few motorcycles." suggested Presea, "No wait, wait, wait, a big tank like the Blues have. That thing never seems to have any problems at all."

* * *

Over at the disabled Luna, the Blues had gathered with Aska, discussing what they planned to do.

"Alright, that's the deal mister robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free," Emil said to Aska.

"I thought the plan was to trick him in to fixing the tank, and then Castagnier will take over his body again when he is done." Genis whispered to Lloyd.

"Yeah. But you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Sage." Lloyd answered.

"So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?"

"Why would we trick you?"

"Oh I think you know." Genis narrowed his eyes.

¿Dónde yo iré? (Where will I go?) Aska asked. "Mis amigos quieren matar me." (Even my friends have tried to kill me.)

"Ooooookay, I'm going to take that as a yes," said Emil having no idea how to understand Spanish, "And let you get busy with tank fixing."

"No tengo hogar." (I have no home.)

* * *

Zelos was on top of the Warthog and peering through the sniper scope, seeing what the Blues were doing and saw something he didn't like.

"Aw crap. Hey uh, they got a guy fixing their tank," he told the others.

"Impossible!" said Kratos. "Our intelligence clearly states..."

"We have intelligence?" Presea asked.

"That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Aska, oh wait a minute."

"Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Aska runs away, the jeep starts driving itself, and suddenly there's a new guy on the Blue team?" Sheena said, raising a finger on her hand as she was talking.

"Yes Fujibayashi, I am. Quite obviously the Blue team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam, that they used on Aska and now he has to do their evil Blue bidding!"

"Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him," suggested Zelos, giving the rational idea.

"Or maybe, that Blue guy who got killed by the tank, came back as a ghost, and now he's possessing Aska's body." Presea commented. "That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner; the Blue's ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably just a weird set of coincidences, while the guy learned how to use Aska's body."

She was absolutely right, however the other's just stared at her in complete disbelief, thinking she had lost it.

"Yeah, I think I like the ray beam idea better." said Sheena.

"Yeah rookie, your idea sounds a little dumb." Zelos commented.

* * *

Genis was jumping up and down next to the tank as Aska kept working.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank!" he pleaded, "So that I can say hello to Luna. **And start killing everyone!"**

"You mean all the Reds, right?" Lloyd asked.

"Of course! **For starters.**" said Genis with an evil smirk, that made Lloyd inch away from Genis. Emil saw the little exchange but paid no mind to it

"Come on, how much longer Aska?" Emil asked.

"Completo." said Aska as he got off the tank.

Luna began to power back up for the second time, "Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank."

"Luna! You're fixed! You're fixed," Genis shouted with joy.

"Hello Private Sage. It's good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

"He didn't fix you, a robot did it," said Lloyd.

"**Don't cockblock me**!" Genis yelled.

"Dude, come on."

"Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot." said Luna.

Aska raised his head to look at the tank in front of him. Everyone saw where this was headed, as two people, or in this case, machines, stare at each other for a minute and its pretty obvious what's going to happen.

"I don't like where this is going." said Genis.

"Hello there. My name is Luna. The M808V Ark Battle Tank."

"Y yo soy Aska la Pesado." (And I am Aska, the heavy.)

"Aska. What a nice name, for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills."

"Ummmm yes. Well Aska has to go now," Genis interrupted and looked at Emil jerking his head toward Aska, "He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go away!"

"Dude, this is getting weird. Emil, will you take your fucking body back?" asked Lloyd in a more direct way.

"Roger that," said Emil. His spark entered Aska's body again.

"No! Heauegerkergerk!" Aska started shaking.

"You okay in there Castagnier?" Lloyd asked but got no response. "Castagnier. Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

His ghost began to fade back into the real world.

"What the... that wasn't me! What the hell's going on here?"

"Well. Buenos Dias cockbites," Aska said with Marta's voice, "Guess who's back."


	6. Marta's Back!

Chapter 6

Marta's Back!

The Blues couldn't believe it. Marta had come back as a ghost. Now most guys would be ecstatic if their girlfriend came back, Emil is no different, but there's just one little issue with her being back right now.

"Get out of my body right now, Marta!" She had taken control of Aska's body.

"_Your_ body? This isn't your body, I stole it," she replied.

"Yeah, but I stole it first."

"I am confused, I thought your name was Aska. And I thought you were a man," Luna spoke up, "This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I like it."

"**I know how to get her out of there**…" Genis said as he raised his gun to Marta.

She looked at him and wondered if he would do it.

"…**Wink**." he said with a smirk as he prepared to pull the trigger.

"Sage, don't." Emil stopped him from doing anything, "Look, just go explain to Luna, okay?"

Genis lowered his gun, and went to go talk to Luna. Once he was out of earshot, Emil turned his attention to his ex-girlfriend, "Alright Marta, now what's it going to take to get you out of there?"

"Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot."

"Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've watching us all the time?" Lloyd asked.

He turned to look at his private rock he had the base, "Like even when we're alone and stuff?"

"Yes Irving, and you should be very ashamed of yourself." Marta said, with her arms crossed.

"It's very lonely out here." Lloyd blushed and looked away.

"Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Sage." Marta continued.

"A change? Like what, he's finally learned the whole alphabet?" Emil joked with a slight laugh.

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

"I have." answered Lloyd, "Started about the same time Luna got disabled, and you got blown up. I tried to tell Castagnier, but he never listens."

"Irving, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

"I had just finished repairing the tank, when I overheard Emil's plan to warn the Reds about me." Marta explained, "From what I can tell, the Centurion calculated the odds of survival, and didn't like the results. Once Sage turned on his radio to call Emil, it took its chance."

"And that was when he said his name was Tenebrae." Lloyd concluded, "So the Centurion that was in you infected Sage?"

"Right. Everyone's armor has one slot for an A.I to synchronize with their mind," Emil explained, "And Sage's would have been vacant."

"I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots that are empty too." Lloyd commented.

"And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch in the pink armor hit with a really lucky shot," said Marta, "And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost."

Emil then remembered something, from when Marta got blown up. "Hold on a second. How can we know for sure he has it? I remember seeing that strange mark on your forehead when you had your Centurion." Before Marta could speak up, Lloyd interrupted.

"Come to think of it, I did see this really weird black mark on Sage's forehead. Does that have anything to do with it?" he inquired.

"Yes. Usually there's a visible mark on the forehead if they're in possession of a Centurion." Marta informed them.

"Alright, I get it. Sage has your precious little Centurion. So let me guess: you're holding my body hostage, until I help you get it back, right?" Emil asked.

"Wrong. You're going to help me kill it!" Marta said.

* * *

Kratos had ordered the Reds to meet in the center room of their base, "Ladies. It has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot-type person. Who here wants to volunteer?"

"Are we going on a trip?" asked Presea, "I love trips! Can we play I Spy? And the License Plate Game?"

"Shut up Presea," said Zelos.

"Please?"

"Uh, sir?" Sheena asked Kratos.

"Or Punch-buggy?" Presea continued.

"Why won't this girl shut up?" Zelos complained.

"Or, or the alphabet with the signs game?"

"GUYS SHUT UP!" Sheena screamed to Zelos and Presea, making them stop. She turned back to Kratos "What exactly do you mean by 'volunteer'?" she finished.

"Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity." explained Kratos, having recovered from the loudness. "Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing."

Needless to say, none of the Private's liked the idea and spoke up at the exact same time.

"Have you gone crazy?" Sheena exclaimed.

"What the hell? That's ridiculous!" Zelos yelled.

"I vote for Sheena!" Presea said.

"I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure, really-," said Kratos.

"What does he mean?" Zelos asked in a muttered tone.

"What is he talking about?" Sheena asked in the same manner.

"Whereas the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of a human body is replaced by the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot," Kratos ended.

"I'm confused," said Zelos.

"If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum." Kratos finished with a smile.

"Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?" asked Sheena.

"Good thinking, Fujibayashi. But no I like the removing the guts thing, so I think we stick with that."

"Yeah, look, as much I hate to agree with the kiss-ass, wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?" suggested Zelos.

"Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Aska. We need someone we know we can trust!"

All heads turned to Sheena.

"Aw, fuck me!" she said.

"Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny, that they could never be turned against us."

All heads to Presea.

"Hey, pink armor guys." she said, "I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel."

"Then again, maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing."

"Oh, you backstabbing assmonkeys!" Sheena yelled, flipping Zelos and Presea off.

"Now Wilder, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation," said Kratos. "Two quarts of vodka?"

"Check."

"Eight pounds of Vaseline…condensed."

"Check."

"An old tire iron, preferably metric."

"You know, I might have left that in the bathroom."

"Latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly."

"I'll have to check."

"Check, you mean we have it."

"Check. Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

"Come on boy, make sense. I ain't got all day, I got to gut a fish."

* * *

"Well Lualdi, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Emil getting pantsed in high school." said Lloyd.

"I found that part to be entirely out of context." said Emil defensively.

"But I still don't know how we're supposed to stop this thing. You have any ideas, Lualdi?."

"I don't really remember much from the implantation process," said Marta, "I _do_ remember that the Centurion A.I.s can be transmitted from host to host, by way of the earpiece radios. Before I learned anything else, the Centurion took over and we escaped. If we can kill the Centurion and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

"And then I can have my body back. Deal?" asked Emil.

"Deal." she agreed.

"Alright. Marta and I will possess Sage then. Irving, we need you to work on the Reds. Get them to turn off their head radios, so that Tenebrae won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there." Emil ordered.

"Right."

"What? How the hell am I going to do that?" asked Lloyd.

"I don't know, come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans."

"You're not going to have much time once we get in there, so move fast," said Marta.

"Oh I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast." Lloyd summed it up.

"Yeah that's right." said Emil.

"Yep." agreed Marta.

"Wow, you guys are a lot of help." Lloyd said sarcastically.

"Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box," suggested Emil.

"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there."

"Okay Marta, ladies first." Emil offered.

"Yeah right! You think I'm going to leave you alone out here with your body?"

"Bitch." he grumbled.

"Nice try, _Emil_." she said with a smirk.

"Hey Sage!" Emil yelled.

"Huh?" Genis turned to the ghost.

"Heads up!"

Emil's ghost ran and entered Genis's body.

Marta's ghost quickly left Aska and followed in.

"**Noooo**!" he screamed.

* * *

In a quick flash Emil and Marta were inside a large empty room, made completely out of metal.

"Where are we?" Emil asked, looking around.

"We're inside Sage's mind." answered Marta, "Now we just have to find Tenebrae and kill him."

"Man this is kind of weird."

"It's hard to get to used to, I know."

"No it's not that it's just this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be." he said, surprised.

* * *

Emil's voice was coming out of Genis's mouth, confusing Lloyd.

"Sage, are you okay buddy?" Lloyd asked.

"This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be." Genis said.

"Oh...kay. I'm going to take Luna and Aska and figure out some way to get the Reds to shut off their radios."

"Where should we start Marta?"

"What?"

* * *

"I said, where should we start, Marta?" Emil asked.

"Just keep your eyes peeled. I guarantee, Tenebrae will come looking for us."

Emil didn't see Tenebrae anywhere, but he did see something that confused the hell out of him. Lloyd was there too.

"Hey Irving, is that you?"

"No, what are you stupid?" he replied, "Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid."

"What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!" Emil yelled.

"Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food."

"What the hell? What's the matter with you?" Emil asked, before realizing something. Lloyd wasn't dead.

"This isn't really Irving. We're in Sage's head, remember?" Marta explained, "This is Sage's_ mental image_ of Irving."

"Man I am so unbelievably stupid!" the Mental Lloyd said.

"Well that's great. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Sage then," Emil commented.

"I would not be so sure of that, Mr. Emil Castagnier." he turned around to see Genis standing behind him, or more accurately, the mental version of Genis.

* * *

At the Red base, Zelos was talking with Kratos.

"Great idea sir, I finally agree with you." he said.

Presea ran up to meet them, "Hey guys, we might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not going to say who, might have though that one of the cyborg parts we needed for Sheena's surgery, was a cup holder. And somebody, not naming any names here, might have left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing." she said.

"Was it you?" Zelos asked, trying to stifle a laugh

"Yeah-uh-no! I mean, no! …Damnit!" Presea facepalmed herself.

"Wilder, you and easy listening stroll on down to retrieve that part from the Warthog, post-haste!" ordered Kratos.

"Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know, the Blues could have already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak." said Zelos.

"Ah, corn dogs. Even with Aska helping 'em, it'll take them months to get that tank online, much less to get it moving again."

"I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally going to freak out," said Presea.

* * *

Outside of their base on the hill, Lloyd was inside Luna with Aska beside him.

"Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming," he said.

* * *

_Ok I'm letting you guy's know that updates are gonna be less frequent for a while. I'm about to start my job working full time soon, so I'm not going to have much time to update this. Oh also, Look on my profile later, I'm gonna be working on the miniseries soon, and I want to know who you all think I should cast for these following roles:_

_Agent Washington  
_

_Agent South Dakota  
_

_Agent North Dakota  
_

_The Meta (Agent Maine)  
_

_Agent York  
_

_Gary (Gamma)  
_

_Andy  
_

_Probably won't be up for awhile, but check out the profile later anyway. Thanks people. Read and Review! NOW! DO IT!  
_


	7. Mental Issues

Chapter 7

Mental Issues

Emil and Marta had gathered with the mental image of Lloyd and Genis deep inside Genis's mind, explaining to them their reasons for being there.

"I see. So you're from the outside," the Mental Genis said, "That's where the other is from as well."

"The other…wait, you mean Tenebrae?" Emil asked, "Have you seen him?"

"Of course he's seen him you idiot!" A soldier in light blue armor, just about cobalt colored, yelled out from behind Genis, "You think Mister Sage would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?" he said getting in Emil's face, poking his chest.

Emil grabbed the soldier's wrist and angrily said, "Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Emil Castagnier, buttwiping assmunch!" he said, moving his hand out of his grasp.

"This guy's kind of an asshole." the real Emil whispered to Marta.

"Yeah, we've met." she whispered.

"And I'm Sage's best friend," the Mental Emil said, "So don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!"

"Okay. There's a LOT of stuff in that sentence, that I didn't like." the real Emil said.

"Just play along, Emil." Marta whispered, "We're going to need these guys if we're going to find Tenebrae."

"I'm going to go look for girls," Mental Lloyd said and ran off.

"If you want to find Tenebrae, I suggest we talk to the Reds first," Mental Genis suggested, "He tried to recruit them against me early on."

"The Reds…the Reds are in here?" Emil asked. Mental Genis nodded and they all went off to go find them.

* * *

Zelos and Presea were searching around the tipped-over Warthog for one of the pieces needed for Sheena's surgery.

"Ok are you sure you left the part in there?" Zelos asked Presea.

"Hmm think so. Wait... Yes. No. Wait- wait wait- wait... mmmmmmmmngh... I think so." Presea said tapping her head.

"Alright, let's retrace your steps. You said it was the Tuesday before Sheena and Sarge got blown up that you were last in the Warthog, right?"

"Right. I know it was Tuesday because that's the day I wash my underwear and clothes. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on account of I chafe, really easily, I remember thinking: where can I hang out with no pants on?" she motioned towards the Warthog.

"Oh my god."

* * *

Lloyd was driving Luna towards the Red base with Aska running ahead.

"Okay, well, looks like we're close enough. Now if I can just find the brakes on this thing..." he started searching the control panel. "Ah, must be this button."

"Do not touch that button." Luna ordered.

"Oh, sorry." He jerked his hand back to find a different button. "Hmm... Maybe it's this one."

"Do not touch me."

"You know, for a girl your size you're kind of sensitive." Lloyd joked.

* * *

"I cannot take any more of this. This girl talks too much." Zelos complained.

"So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended. But I don't know, it just smells really funny. So I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe." Presea kept telling him.

"That's it; I'm committing suicide." Zelos turned and ran back to the base.

"Hey... I didn't finish retracing my steps yet," Presea yelled, "You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh."

Zelos turned to see the last thing he wanted to see, the Blues and their tank, headed their way full speed.

"Oh crap!" He ran back and ducked behind the Warthog.

"Hey, you're back!" said Presea, "So where was I... Oh yeah. I lanced it. Disgusting." she said shuddering.

"Not now rookie! There's a giant tank out there that's about to steam roll right over us!"

"What?" Presea peaked her head out a bit and saw the tank and started to panic, "Oh God it's true! I'm totally freaking out! I'm freaking out!"

* * *

"Oh my God. I can't believe Sage is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Luna how the fuck do I slow you down?"

"Retard the throttle."

"What throttle, this throttle?" Lloyd asked.

"Retard the controller."

"You mean this thing? What are you talking about, I'm so confused!"

"The controller, retard." Luna said.

"Hey, that's kind of insulting."

"Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard." she started to continuously repeat.

"Oh come on, now you're just being mean."

"Retard. Retard. … … … Retard."

"Ah, Luna, seriously, we have to slow down or we're going to run in to that jeep!" Lloyd yelled.

"Please, take evasive action. Please, take evasive action," the tank said.

"You take evasive action. Hey Aska, help me out, can't you talk to her?"

"Perdóneme, pero no puedo hablar con mujeres bella. Porque sudo." (I'm sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.)

Presea calmed herself down a bit, and had one last idea.

"Well old buddy, it looks like this is the end for us," Presea said, "Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Zelos-"

"Look Presea if you're going to suggest what I think you are, I'm just gonna tell you that I don't feel that way about you at all."

"Let's make a break for it!"

"Oh... Well in that case let's go on three. That's worked well for me in the past."

"Okay, you count." she said.

"Fine, but don't look at me while I count, because, I get nervous."

Zelos turned away from Presea and began counting as Presea quietly ran back to the base.

"One…Two…" Zelos turned to see Presea had already fled, "That bitch. She beat me at my own game."

"Curses!" Lloyd said as the tank ran into the Warthog, sending it and Zelos flying as well as Aska.

* * *

Presea ran inside the base where Kratos was with Sheena.

"Good golly Miss Molly, what is going on out there?" Kratos asked.

"Sir. The Blues are attacking with their tank. They blew up the Warthog. Again." Presea reported, trying to catch her breath.

"I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys." Sheena said.

"Zelos and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right Zelos? Uh, uh... Zelos?"

* * *

The group had arrived where the Reds usually were, with Emil wanting to someone strangle himself. Well the mental version of himself inside of Genis's head.

"Why the hell did they pair me with you of all people?" Emil asked his mental self.

"I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!" Mental Emil replied.

"Well... This is going to be a great trip..." Emil rolled his eyes.

"Attention Reds! The great Genis Sage demands an audience with you! So listen up ya **blowjobbing cocksuckers**!" Mental Emil yelled.

That's when the real problem started, as far as mental images.

"Sage? Oh no, he's come to kill us!" a cowardly Sheena said. No big deal.

"Will someone please help me, I don't want to die." a yellow Zelos cried. Wrong armor, so what?

"I love Sage, and yet I'm still afraid of him." Presea said in a preppy girl's voice. Ok now that's just wrong.

"Arrr I be having a Tethe'allan accent," Kratos said, sounding like a pirate. Now it's crossed the line from wrong into mental institution worthy.

"He's so scary." Presea squealed.

"Fear not Reds, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day." Genis announced.

Emil couldn't take the insanity anymore and had to say something. "Okay whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got to correct a couple things I'm hearing here," he said and turned to Mental Emil, "First of all, you? You're _not_ Sage's best friend, okay? You don't _have_ a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're _Emil Castagnier_! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"

"Shove it, dicksniffer!"

"And Sage? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for _one_ second?"

"I beg your pardon?" Mental Genis frowned, looking somewhat confused and offended.

"First off, that guy?" Emil pointed to Mental Zelos, "His armor's not yellow. It's orange. And since when is there a freakin' prep on the Red team?"

"My favorite thing is pretty dresses." Presea blurted out.

"Arrr I got termites in me leg." Mental Kratos said.

"And that is _not_ a Tethe'allan accent." yelled Emil.

"Do you have any tampons?" Mental Presea asked Mental Kratos.

"Seriously, **what is the matter with you people?**" he started freaking out a bit.

"Calm down, Emil," Marta walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't kill us mister sidekick," Mental Zelos begged.

"Hey buttbrunch! I'm Genis's sidekick, not him!" Mental Emil corrected, "So shut your piehole!"

Mental Emil was suddenly shot in the chest and fell down to the lower level.

"Oh my God, Emil, are you okay?" the real Emil ran to the ledge to check.

Mental Emil stood up, "Oh please, that fudgefinger couldn't hit me." He looked down to see himself bleeding. "No wait, I'm going to die. Hergh! Blow me." he dropped down to his knees and fell over dead.

"There he is!" Marta exclaimed.

Tenebrae was seen on the other side with a sniper rifle in hand.

"**Muhahahaha!**" he laughed evilly.

"Let's go get him." Marta started the pursuit.

"Alright," Emil agreed, "Come on Sage, let's go."

"I am sorry, have we met?" Genis asked.

"What? It's me, Castagnier!"

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Genis A. Sage. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Oh you got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Irving's doing a better job out there getting the Reds to turn off their radios." he ran off to follow Marta.

* * *

Luna's front end was right up against the side of the Red base with Lloyd climbing out.

"God Dammit. This isn't going very well at all," Lloyd complained. Once he got out, he helped Aska get up. "You okay Aska?"

"No pueden tocar Aska la Pesado." (Aska the Heavy is impervious to injury.)

"Whatever you big showoff. How about you Luna, you still online?"

"Affirmative," she answered.

"Okay. We should be close enough to hack in to their radio frequency. Aska, get inside Luna and do your business."

"What?"

"¡Esto me haciendo muy suderoso!" (I'm getting very sweaty!)

"Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base." Lloyd shut his eyes in annoyance.

"Well this is a devil of a picadillo," Kratos told his men, "Sheena, get on the squawk box and tell command that-" their radios suddenly flickered on.

"Red guys, are you there?" Lloyd interrupted.

"What in buttery goodness? Who is this!" Kratos asked, putting his hand to his earpiece.

"It's me Irving, I'm one of the Blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios _right now_." Lloyd urged them.

"Boy, it'll be a cooooold day in hell before I take orders from you." Kratos frowned.

"Look it's really important, alright? Normally I would just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends, but today is different! I need you to trust me on this."

"Well I may have spoken too soon. That is an_ interesting_ and well thought out, not to mention _clever_ and _timely_ I might add proposition." the Sergeant said with a condescending tone. "Fujibayashi, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?"

Sheena cleared her throat and then screamed into the mic, "Suck it Blue!"

"Yeah, suck it Blue!" Presea added, "Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face Blue dude, in your face!"

"Oh man." Lloyd exhaled.

* * *

Marta and Emil chased Tenebrae through Genis's mind.

"Muhahahaha!" Tenebrae laughed evilly as he made a long jump down a bridge.

"Hurry up Emil, he's getting away!" Marta yelled.

"**You'll never catch me!**"

"Come on, let's go!" said Emil.

First Marta jumped down then Emil and they continued the pursuit.

* * *

Back in the real world, Lloyd was still busy with the Reds.

"Dammit. These guys are not backing down." He looked towards his robot partner and decided it was time for 'that' plan. "Aska looks like we're going to have to go to Plan B. You know what to do."

Aska agreed as he climbed out the tank. At the same time, music began to play in on the radio.

"La primera vez que vi sus pisadas y sus puerto del acero," (The first time I saw your treads and enormous chassis of steel,) Aska sang to Luna.

* * *

"What the- what in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?" Kratos demanded.

"Supe que había encontrado alguien," (I knew that I had found someone,)

"It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!" he yelled and started grabbing his head in pain.

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Sheena begged, "Please God, make it stop!"

"Para compartir un verdadero..." (To share a robot love so real...)

"Oh man this rules! Rules!" Presea smiled and nodded her head to the beat.

* * *

Inside Genis's head, Tenebrae wandered into an area with a lot of pillars hoping to hide. He made a wrong turn and ran straight into Marta. He tried to turn around but saw Emil standing in his way.

"**Oh?**" He backed into a corner, unable to escape.

"Alright Tenebrae, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's going to be me," Emil said.

"Aw, that's sweet." Marta blushed.

"Shut up bitch."

"Asshole."

"**Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!**" Tenebrae wasn't about to give up. And now cue the ridiculous one-liners.

"Forget Tenebrae. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol-full of aspirin."

"What?" Marta said in shock.

"I've got half a mind to kill you…"

"That's ridiculous." she said with a brow raised.

"And the other half agrees." Emil continued, obviously not hearing Marta.

"Oh, Emil, that's just stupid."

"You're about to split…"

"God, Emil…"

"Personality!"

"Now you're just embarrassing yourself."

"Syke!"

* * *

The reds were still suffering from the love song Aska was playing, especially Kratos, who was on the ground now. "That's it, I've had enough! Can't take any more! Everybody, switch, off, your radio!" Kratos ordered, standing up.

"But Sarge!" Presea protested.

"That's an order, Private!"

"Sarge pleeeeeeeease?"

"Don't try my patience, Combatir."

"Aw man!" They simultaneously shut off their radios, free from that damned music.

* * *

Lloyd heard all the music go off and ran back to the tank.

"Ah, hoohoohoohoo, it worked! Hey, turn off your radio, quick!" Luna and Aska quickly complied, and started to return to the base.

* * *

"Nice knowing you Tenebrae," said Marta, cocking her gun dramatically, "But payback's a bitch, and so am I!"

"Wait, Marta, we don't know if Irving's had enough time." Emil said.

"There's only one way to find out." she smirked.

Both fired their guns until the place was filled with smoke and a long scream of "**NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**" Once the smoke cleared, Emil saw that he was gone.

"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of brimstone, at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Do you think that's weird Marta?"

He got no response.

"Marta?" he turned around to see that she was gone. "Marta, where'd you go?" Emil was still stuck inside of Genis's head, "How do I get out of here? What happened to Tenebrae?"

* * *

Out at the canyon, a radio turned on.

"Come in Blue command, do you read me? This is Medical Officer Yggdrassil. Is anyone there? …Do you read me?"


	8. Cyborg Games

Chapter 8

Cyborg Games

Mithos woke up inside of the cave he had found, his head throbbing. He noticed his earpiece wasn't in and looked for it for a second, but heard a voice coming from it, and approached it.

"Hello, dude, come in, doctor dude, are you there, hello. Paging doctor dude, to the radio, stat! I need twenty CCs of what the hell's going on there dude." the voice said.

Mithos put his earpiece back in and started to stand up, though very dizzy and his head still throbbing like someone smacked him with a hammer.

"Ugh... What happened?" he moaned.

"Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall, the next thing I know you turn in to Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children...not very cool, dude." came Botta's voice through the radio.

"Geeze, did I really? I'm sorry, something went wrong with my radio, and I heard this weird, beeping, honking, and I must have passed out."

"Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway."

"What?"

"Ol' Botta's been through the snip and stitch."

"I don'-"

"If you know what I mean."

"I don't want to hear about it." Mithos said.

"Winky-Blinky the one eyed sergeant's firing blanks."

"That's weird."

"If you get me."

"Look-"

"Via Condios of the Vas Deferens."

"Yeah alright, I, enough, I get you."

"I mean a vasectomy dude."

"Look, I found something really weird here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha." Mithos reported, halfway hoping to change the subject.

"Roger that, what did you find?" Botta asked.

"It, it's like a, it's like a thing." Mithos said.

"It's like a thing. Okaaay, dude. Thank you for the update. I'll be sure to alert the Chief of Staff..." Botta said dryly.

"Sorry…" Mithos groaned, still holding his head.

"Move to Defcon 1."

"I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing."

"Use your words, dude."

"Look I don't know, it looks like some kind of angelic artifact. Do the angels have like a, home base, or something here?" Mithos inquired. He looked closer at the odd object.

"I don't know dude, why don't I just consult my Angelic Travel Guide for ya." Naturally, Mithos rolled his eyes with annoyance. "Oh look! Got a great series of angel bed and breakfasts there."

Mithos sighed at the Command Contact's sarcasm.

"Lucky you." Botta called back.

"Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself." Mithos said, getting irritated.

"Nothing about big purple things though. Maybe it's some kind of angel vehicle."

The medic turned off his radio and looked it over for a second while muttering to himself.

"Man, that guy is such a jerk. The next time he talks to me like that, I'm going to tell him to go straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that, that's not very nice."

"**If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyes as souvenirs!**" he suddenly sneered with Tenebrae's voice, before popping back to his usual self.

"Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. TIME FOR YOGA!"

* * *

Emil was outside of the Blue Base conversing with Lloyd about everything that had happened. Genis had passed out once Emil had left his mind and was sleep inside the base.

"How's Luna doing?" he asked. It wasn't very often a tank would plow right through a jeep.

Lloyd looked concerned. "I'm not going to lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have, twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage, ...could be a disc."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you." Emil stated flatly.

"Eh, no, not a clue."

Emil would've punched him, but since he didn't have a body, it'd just go straight through him, but decided against it. "What about Lu, any sign of her?"

Lloyd shook his head. "No, no Lu. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?"

"When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taken out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and... well, no offense to _you_ Irving, but-"

"You're a dick." Lloyd flipped his teammate off.

* * *

Zelos was starting to wake up. As he came to, he started moaning and groaning. He noticed he was out of his armor and in a bed, as he tried to get up, he was stopped by Kratos.

"Wilder, don't try to move too much, you've been through quite the ordeal." he said in an unusually caring manner.

"Oh man. Where am I?" Zelos moaned.

"Hush now shhhhshshshhhshhshhhhh. It was really touch and go there for a while good buddy." Presea whispered, then added with a sincere smile, "But we did it. We pulled you through."

Zelos shook his head for a second. "How long was I out?"

"About a day. Don't you worry, Nurse Combatir here stayed by your side the whole time, stroking your hand and keeping you company." Kratos told him.

"My right hand?"

"Your left." she replied.

"Note to self, cut off left hand." Zelos muttered.

"Technically speaking, it's not really _your_ left hand." Kratos said.

"Say what?" Zelos looked at his left hand, it wasn't too different from before, but did notice a slight difference in it, being slightly smaller then it used to be, and missing the small scar he once had on his palm.

"I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged when the tank ran you over. And a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet of HooHoos and bacon flavored marshmallows." Kratos explained.

"Wait-, which body parts?" Zelos inquired.

"Well let's see, we had to start with the shoulder, then we moved on down to the flank..."

"Huh?"

"Yeah we couldn't really find an anatomy book…" Presea said.

"Made a left turn at the spare rib…" Kratos continued.

"But we did find one of those pictures with a cow and the dotted lines all over it..."

"Then up and over the porterhouse…"

"I think that did the trick."

"And of course the brisket..."

"Wait." Zelos interrupted.

"And the hocks. Oh, the hocks."

"Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?" Zelos inquired.

"Why from our other subject, of course." Kratos smiled and pointed towards their maroon soldier.

"Subject my cyborg ass." Sheena looked a bit different, her left hand being made of metal and some of her arm having robotic looking implants in it. The rest of whatever new cyborg parts she had were covered by her clothes.

"NO WAY!" Zelos nearly yelled in shock.

"Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, asshole." she said sarcastically as she went to sit down.

"Yep, that too." Kratos added.

"Did I get your lips too, Sheena?" Zelos asked, "Cause maybe then I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass."

"And the feet." Kratos finished.

"OK let me ask you this: What _didn't_ I get?" Zelos asked.

"We pretty much replaced 80% of the internal organs, and some of the more disgusting external ones. Except for Fujibayashi's spleen, which will be inflated and used for general recreation, and esprit décors."

"That doesn't seem physically possible." Zelos clenched his eyes shut.

"Nonsense. Modern technology makes anything possible. It was as easy as shake'n'bake!"

"And I helped!" Presea said with glee.

Kratos sweat-dropped and looked at the pink private. "Actually Combatir, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help," then added with a smile, "But it sure was entertaining."

"Mhmhmhmhm... Miah." she snickered.

* * *

Genis had finally woken up from his sleep, and stepped outside for a while to see Emil and Lloyd standing around talking. They noticed he was finally up and walked up to him to check on him. "Man Genis, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?" Lloyd asked.

"Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping."

"That's pretty much how you function when you're awake, too." Lloyd pointed out.

Genis shrugged it off. "Well, I think consistency is important."

"Well you _look _okay," Emil said in his ghost form, "Then again that's... just the outside. How do you feel?"

"Great! …Wait, who're you?"

Emil eyes went completely wide. "Oh COME ON, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?"

"Oh of course, I remember you... you're Marvin."

"I'm Castagnier!"

"I think I would remember a name that ridiculous." Genis said with a slight laugh. "Nope, you are definitely Phil."

"You killed me with the tank."

"Dave?"

"You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow."

"Karen?"

"Dude, he called her a _slut_." Lloyd corrected his leader.

"Phineas?"

"Your whole life is based around pleasing me," Emil explained to Genis.

"Wally?"

"In fact…"

"Milo?"

"I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

"The new guy is pretty full of himself." Genis whispered loudly to Lloyd.

"New guy, what the- I'm not the new guy, you're the new guy!" yelled Emil

"I don't know. I kind of like it. I could get used to calling you rookie." Lloyd smirked.

Emil had nothing but evil in his eyes, and focused all of it on Lloyd. "Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?"

"What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad." Genis whispered.

"Oh son of a bitch." Emil started to walk away.

"Susan?"

* * *

Presea was trying to jump to the roof from the opening on the middle floor. She was grunting and making noises while Zelos was watching her. "Presea, there's no way you can jump that high." Zelos remarked.

"Yes I can," she replied as she jumped, failing each time to get a grasp onto the ledge, "Yes I can."

Sheena came up from the ramp to see what was going on. "What hell is she doing?" she asked Zelos.

"Losing a bet." Zelos answered, already seeing money in his hand.

Presea's last jump was just high enough for her to get a hand on the ledge, but her grasp slipped causing her to fall to the ground. "Oah, I almost got it that time. Are you sweating yet, sucker?"

"No, I can't sweat. Sheena's stupid sweat glands don't even work right."

"What? They were working when I gave them to you." replied Sheena.

"Please, I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em."

Sheena sighed. "I can't. Sarge said that sweat makes my robot parts rusty, so, I'm cooled by freon now."

"Ah, delicious freon." Zelos said flatly.

Just then, Zelos started coughing very violently, worrying his childhood friend.

"Zelos, are you alright? Are my lungs okay?" Then she realized, there was only one time Zelos would ever cough like that. "Hey, wait a minute, have you been smoking again? I thought you quit!"

"What! No!" A lighter and a single cigarette fell from Zelos's pocket. "…Oops."

"Dammit, I thought you were going to stop! And _how _many snack cakes have you had today?"

"None." he instantly answered.

Naturally, Sheena didn't believe him, and the already deep frown she had increased as she folded her arms.

"Okay five…Or more. Baker's dozen at most."

"Do you even_ know _how many there are in a baker's dozen?"

"By my count? Forty-eight."

Sheena picked up the cigarette and lighter and looked at Zelos with a face that was a mix of anger and concern. "Alright, that's it. _No_ more smoking, _no_ more drinking, and _no _more overeating chubby. I have no idea how you we're able to do all of that and still look like you're in your prime, but you're not going to ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours."

"That's okay, I can think of different ways to ruin them." Zelos smirked.

Both Zelos and Sheena heard the sound of a tremendous crash and looked to see Presea on the ground. "Ah ah ow, aahhhhh. Who the hell left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it?" Presea yelled, "I think I broke something. Sheena! I need your ovaries!"

"I _really _hate this army." Sheena complained. As she was throwing the confiscated items away, much to Zelos's chagrin, Kratos arrived to tell them something.

"Wilder, Fujibayashi 2.0. I just got off the horn with Command," Kratos said. "I'm afraid we have a situation."

"Oh for God's sake, don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again. Those cheap bastards," Sheena roared, "All I wanted was _one_ night of carefree dancing, but noooo, I ask you _when_ is it going to be Sheena's turn? **When?**" she threw her hands up in the air and shook them dramatically.

Zelos wasn't as surprised at Sheena's reaction as their commander was. "Ah, actually the problem is with Aska," Kratos corrected after recovering from the shock.

"Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish-land is coming, and without Aska, we don't have anyone to translate." Zelos said sarcastically.

"There's no such thing as Spanish-land you retard." Sheena rolled her eyes.

"Yes there is, they have those uh, uh, water slides. And all that salsa." Zelos's mouth started to water a bit, one thing he loved was Mexican food.

"No, they don't."

"Well, I guess you would know."

Sheena started to get that crazy killer look in her eyes whenever Zelos pissed her off enough. "What's THAT supposed to mean? For the LAST TIME, **I'M HALF JAPANESE!**"

"Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point."

Kratos fired a round from his shotgun in the air to shut the two quarreling privates up for a minute. "Can it, Frankensteins!" he yelled, "We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boiling over. I've just learned that Command implanted Aska with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have any idea what this means?"

"I uh, uh... Sheena, you want to take this one?"

"Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?"

"Certainly not water slides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa..."

"What it means is that if we don't get back Aska before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle!" answered Kratos.

"Eeeew. Gi-a... that's gross!" Zelos gagged.

"I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimming in a river of sick with no floaties on. Driving blind, into the tunnel of-"

"Sir, I think we get the picture. The _very, very disturbing _picture," Sheena told her leader, holding herself back from puking.

"You sure? I could go on." Kratos offered.

"I'm sure you could. But no. Really." Zelos answered.

"Just one more."

"Stop."

"Come on, they're fun. Fujibayashi, you try one, I'll start you off. Flying by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?" Kratos grinned.

"Sorry sir, I'm not good at word games." Sheena said, just trying to stop the conversation.

"Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks.


	9. Captured Rescuer

Chapter 9

Captured Rescuer

Lloyd and Genis, who was now fully back in his armor, were sitting on the ledge of the roof, watching Luna and Aska talk from a distance. Aska had really carved a niche in the Blue Team and seemed like he was a good addition.

"Man, Luna and Aska have been spending a lot of time together. I think they're going to make it official." Lloyd said with a slight smile.

"I don't like it." the blue rookie stated, very bluntly. "He is not good enough for my Luna."

"But they seem happy together."

"He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate." Genis said.

Lloyd raised a brow. Delicate is not exactly a word you would use to describe a tank. "Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude."

"She is a precious flower."

Lloyd jumped from off the roof onto the ground and walked towards the two machines. As he approached them, he whistled real quick to get their attention.

"Hey you guys, can I ask a favor? This might sound strange, but I think Sage is getting kinda jealous of your relationship."

"Luna! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!" they heard Genis yell at the top of his lungs from the base.

Lloyd shook his head and returned his attention to Luna and Aska. "Anyway, could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle." he shuddered at the idea of it.

"Irving, I've been speaking with Aska, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon." came the tank.

"What're you talking about?"

"On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust. We have decided that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles."

They were right. Aska was possessed by Emil for about 3 months, Luna's been blown up about 4 or 5 times since she came, and it was a while before they got her fixed. That wasn't their fault though, after all, Blue Command put 3 soldiers with almost no skills whatsoever in a freakin' box canyon!

Nevertheless, Lloyd couldn't believe what he was hearing from Luna. "You're kidding, right?"

Luna pointed the barrel of her turret right towards Lloyd's face. "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kratos was briefing the Reds on what their strategy would be to get Aska back, though it wasn't much of a strategy in reality.

"It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be..." he stopped to think, were they _seriously _able to accomplish something like that? "Aw hell, who am I kidding? Wilder, Combatir, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Fujibayashi 2.0 sneak around back to grab Aska.

"Sounds like a plan!" Presea exclaimed.

"No it doesn't!" Zelos yelled at the pink private, before turning back to Kratos. "How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over?"

"Would electrified be okay?" Sheena smirked.

"No!"

"Well, I'm out of ideas." she shrugged.

Zelos rolled his eyes and decided not to bicker with his friend for once. "Look, instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time? Might actually be a bit easier and work alot better." Kratos and Sheena looked at each other for a second and agreed it was a good idea, but before they could say anything, Presea interrupted.

"You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear a spy dress-"

"No." said Kratos.

"-with a hidden spy camera-"

Sheena frowned. "No."

"-inside a tiny spy choker-"

"No." Zelos said.

"-or, I could wear a corsage on my dress-"

"I said no!"

"-that sprays water in people's faces-"

"Shut up Presea."

"-no, a secret spy liquid, that would be awesome." she chuckled.

"NO!" all 3 yelled at the same time.

"Oh, come on! I could be like the Black Widow from the Avengers"

Sheena whispered to Zelos and Kratos, "More like the pink widow."

After a slight laugh by the 3, Kratos spoke up, deciding that they've been sitting around for too long.

"Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Wilder, Combatir, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double." Kratos gave the red-haired private a sniper rifle to help with the assignment.

"Great, more time alone with the idiot." As he and Presea started walking off towards the cliffs, he started to want to just shoot her in the head...and blow her up with a grenade... 5 times.

"Zelos, Zelos, Zelos, Zelos, Zelos, Zelos! Lets pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs!"

Zelos groaned. _This is going to be annoying as fuck I can tell already._ he thought to himself.

"No, no, no, no. Like this." she started making jet-pack sounds as they made their way up the cliff. 10 minutes of jet-pack sounds later, Zelos turned to his partner, lowering the rifle.

"Hey, can you do me a favor and stop that for like 10 seconds."

Donut: "Come on Agent-" she cleared her throat and tried to talk with a slightly deeper voice, one of a sultry spy, kind of like Ada Wong from Resident Evil. "Come on Agent Wilder, we've got to hurry if you want to save the princess from the evil goblins."

Naturally, this change up confused the hell out of the orange soldier. "What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?"

"Look, we both have secret spy characters and yours gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!" Before Zelos thought about shooting the girl, he found a way to get some peace for a few minutes.

"Presea, can you go find some higher ground or something?"

"But we're on higher ground now."

He said with a bit of sarcasm, "Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the highest ground?"

"Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that." Presea exclaimed with excitement.

Zelos halfway closed his eyes. "No, if they were that stupid we probably would've won by now."

"Secret Agent Combatir, to the rescue!" she ran off away from Zelos, who had his hand on his pistol, contemplating what he could do.

"I could just shoot her, no one would ever have to know. No one."

* * *

Completely unaware of the conversation that happened above, Emil was standing on top of the base, looking over the canyon when Lloyd came up from the ground level and walked towards him.

"Hey Castagnier, we might have a problem."

The ghost turned around to face his teammate. "Is this a _new_ problem, or did Sage get his head stuck in the freezer again?"

"New one. Luna and Aska are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them."

This alarmed Emil and Lloyd was able to see the worry in his face. "What? Did you try to talk them out of it?"

"No way! I'm not getting shot by a tank! You should know first hand how much that sucks!"

"Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them." Emil paced for a minute before coming to a conclusion. "Maybe it's time to get rid of Aska.

"But without Aska you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?" Lloyd inquired.

"I would, but it's getting harder to do each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow."

* * *

Mithos was sitting in the caves, going crazy. He looked dirty, tired, fatigued. He was grabbing his head, talking, seemingly to himself, but had someone with him.

"You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this."

**"I agree, except replace the words 'non' with 'extremely!' And after the word 'violent' include the phrase 'blood explosion extraordinaire!'" **Tenebrae had infected Mithos, and it looked like he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. While he laughed maniacly, Presea heard the laughter and approached the caves with her gun drawn.

_What the hell is going on in there? _ she thought.

"We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything!"

_What the-! Those voices sound suspicious._

**"I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!"**

"But I'm a vegetarian!"

_Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget._ Presea peeked a bit into the caves, but only saw Mithos. _But where's the guy he's talking to?_

"We can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude!"

_Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good. _she thought.

**"I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!"**

Presea gasped a little at the thought. _That sounds even worse!_

**They will all taste oblivion, which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.**

She started trembling in fear. She no idea what to think.

**"ALL WILL PERISH!" ** as he let loose a bloodcurdling laughter, Presea now was practically scared shitless.

_All? That includes me! Oh man, I gotta tell the others! _She started to run off, but Mithos was able to hear the fading footsteps.

"Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!" he pleaded.

* * *

"Gotta get back to base!" She skidded down the cliff and ran as fast as she could. "Back, to base!" She finally arrived. "Oh man, there it is! Guys! Hey guys!"

No response.

"Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that..." she stopped when she saw something she hadn't seen before, a tank. "Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except Sarge told me there is no store." Before she could finish her thoughts, she heard a gun cock from behind her head, she turned around to see something she really didn't want to."Oh no!"

"Oh yeah!" Lloyd and Genis her aiming right at her head and took her inside the base.

* * *

Zelos saw the whole thing from the cliff.

"Oh crap! I knew I should've just shot her!" he started running full speed to report what had happened. Now they had to get back Aska _and _Presea.

* * *

"So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us." Lloyd said, circling Presea. "Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us." he said, hopefully.

"I'd rather date a dead fish."

"Tease."

"Just because I have light red armor does not mean I'm easy." she said.

"Speaking of which, How is that pink armor anyway?" Genis asked. "Looks comfortable..."

"It actually is. I mean yeah, at first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me." she looked down to her armor. "My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' awful. But the legs in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!"

"Silence woman!"

* * *

"Good Buddha's noodle, how could this have happened?" Kratos said, after hearing of Presea's capture.

"It's okay sir, It was a strong plan." Sheena said trying to calm down her CO before turning to her orange comrade. "Zelos is just a dumbass."

"Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex." he reminded her.

"Settle down, you guys." Kratos said, trying to stop another argument. "We need a new strategy, and we need it fast."

"He's right. Presea's still a rookie. We gotta get her out and fast. She's bound to crack under the pressure and reveal everything." Sheena said.

"Everything like what, where we keep her tampons?" Zelos asked sarcastically.

"You're right about that, Fujibayashi." Kratos agreed. "The girl doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!"

* * *

Lloyd left the room so he could step outside to smoke a cigarette. He found Emil right outside the entrance to the base.

"How's it goin', Irving?" He asked. "We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?"

Lloyd shook his head as he fished around in his pockets for a lighter. "I figured she was here to steal back Aska, but she won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"

"Do we have a crock pot?"

"Not anymore." Lloyd answered, finding his lighter.

"Wait we actually had a crock pot? What happened to it?"

"Sage made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box." Lloyd said before lighting his smoke.

Emil was actually slightly scared to ask, but did anyway. "What was in the mystery box?"

Lloyd puffed on the cancer stick and exhaled before responding. "A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise."

"...well that's a good trade..." Emil deadpanned.

Lloyd shrugged. "Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen."

"Why did you... never mind." Emil said shaking his head before speaking again. "Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Aska and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds..."

"..."

"..."

"The plan does not involve mayonnaise."

"Dammit, I knew there would be a catch."

* * *

"That was fun." Genis and Presea we're getting along extremely well, considering they were supposed to be enemies. "Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare?"

"Hmmm, truth!"

"Okay. Tell me, all of the Red Team's secret plans!" Genis said.

"Oh, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart." Neither of them noticed Emil sneaking into the room. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-" Before she could say anything, her words her completely caught in her throat and she started to shake uncontrollably.

"Hey are you alright?" Genis asked.

"Sage! It's me, Castagnier." Emil said with Presea's voice. "I possessed this girl so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy." he stood up and moved around a bit. "What were you two talkin' about?"

"Oh, uhh...nothing."

"...You wanna braid each other's hair?"

* * *

About an hour later, Lloyd, Genis, and Emil possessing Presea, gathered on a hill close to the red base to initiate their plan, which was to exchange Presea and Aska with the reds for new bodies.

"Hello inferior red squad!" Lloyd shouted.

Emil started, "We would like to talk to you about-"

"Sneak attack!" Genis interrupted.

Emil punched the young rookie in the side. "Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate."

"So, sneak negotiation?" Genis said, rubbing where he got hit.

Kratos, Sheena, and Zelos ran outside, hearing the shouting.

"What the- Combatir? What's going on here?"

Lloyd whispered to Emil, "I think he's talking to you."

"We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us." he stumbled. "Dammit."

"Oh, smooth dude." Lloyd smirked.

"What's this business, the blues are givin' up?" Sheena and Zelos we're as confused as Kratos was. "I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Fujibayashi."

Sheena nodded her head and yelled back to the Blues, "You can't surrender Blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender!"

Zelos thought about something and gathered Kratos and Sheena in a quick huddle. "Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!

"Win what?" Sheena asked confused.

"I don't know, the war, er something. Right?"

"You're an idiot."

Emil kept trying his best to get his words right, though utterly failing. "In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me...the pink girl." he face-palmed himself for his stupidity.

"Are you becoming retarded?" Lloyd asked with a slight laugh.

"What should we do, sir?" Sheena asked the Sergeant.

Kratos racked his brain for every idea that could be spawned, but none of them would seem to work. "I don't know. I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation." He then got slightly nervous Sheena would get a little jealous at that. "No offense, Fujibayashi."

"None taken, sir." she then added with a smirk. "You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Zelos."

"No I can't, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die!" he suddenly started panicking.

"What's going on over there?" Lloyd asked.

"I don't think they're going for it."

All of a sudden, a sniper round flies right by Emil and Lloyd's faces, scaring the crap out of them.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

They saw Sheena holding a sniper rifle, loading another clip into the gun. "Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!" she yelled with a smug tone.

"Nice thinking Fujibayashi." Kratos was impressed with the partially cybernetic soldier.

"The humanity!"

"Alright, they surrender!" Emil quickly yelled. Before he could continue, Lloyd pushed him out of the way and loaded his assault rifle.

"Fuck that! I'm pissed! Let's fight!"

"Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!" Kratos yelled.

_Gotcha,_ Emil thought to himself before responding, "Okay, but there's one catch!"

"What the fuck?" Kratos yelled

"Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing."

Sheena was noticeably irritated by this. "Hey that wasn't part of the deal!"

"Wait a second, why exactly are we negotiating with Presea?" Zelos pointed out.

"Wait, Castagnier why do we need two robots?"

"You know... one for me," then added under his breath, "and... one for Luin."

"Oh my god, don't tell me you're doing this for Lu! You're still in love with her, aren't you?"

Emil slightly blushed before getting back on topic. "Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole." Then there was the more important part to it, "Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway."

"Hmm, good point."

Emil nodded then his attention was brought back to the Reds, with Kratos yelling from the base.

"Alright you blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?"

"I guess make 'em kinda like Aska, but give them specific appearances! Make sure the bodies are just shells, no intelligence!" Emil demanded.

"These new robots sound much nicer." Genis said.

Lloyd took this chance to get a burn in. "That's because they sound like you." This promptly earned him a hard punch in the shoulder from Genis.

"Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!"

"Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange."

"Deal!" The reds returned to the inside of their base.

"Okay. I gotta hurry back before Aska and Luna suspect anything. Make sure this chick doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base." Emil separates himself from Presea's body and fades out, heading towards their place.

Presea's head started hurting a bit as her vision became clear again. "Ughhhh... What the...? Where am I?"

Genis answered her question. "We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while."

"Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet." The pink-clad private smiled.

Genis blushed a bit before responding. "...You're a nice lady."

* * *

Emil appeared where Luna and Aska would usually hang out to make sure that they didn't suspect anything.

"Alright guys, I-" He noticed they weren't there. "Luna? Aska?" He looked around for about 2 minutes before finding a note from them taped near the back entrance to the base. "WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LEAVING?"

* * *

"Oh wait, blue team! Before you go, we should probably talk about optional equipment on your new robots." Kratos yelled towards the leaving Lloyd, Genis, and Presea.

"What optional equipment!" Lloyd yelled back

"All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about features."

"Like what?"

"You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on." Kratos said, sounding like a car salesman. "Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?"

"Of course." Lloyd said with some irritation.

"Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!"

"What?" the teal soldier turned to Genis. Oh man, I told Castagnier they would try to screw us!" Genis nodded in agreement. "What about the feet?"

"Did you want feet?"

"The hell? Yeah we want feet!"

"Sorry, feet are optional." Kratos said.

"What's on the bottom of its legs then?" Lloyd was getting pissed, almost to Emil's level.

"Legs are optional."

"You're fucking kidding me!"

"Options are optional."

"For god's sake, what_ isn't_ optional?" Lloyd felt his gun slightly crack from the grip.

"You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's your credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!"

* * *

_**Hey you guys I am so sorry for the extremely late update. Between work, practice, a couple show, and many other reasons I don't feel like naming on here, It was kinda hard for me to get to this. I'm gonna be finishing this hopefully soon and I might do the third season, mainly since I don't like it when a story or season or whatever ends on a cliffhanger. Well I did like the Metalocalypse cliffhanger at the end of Season 4, and I'm an Assassin's Creed fan as well and those made me excited for the next game but that's beside the point. Anyway yeah one more chapter to go. You know the drill. Read, Review, do whatever it is you do with your time. In the fashion of Red vs. Blue, Hasta luego, cockbites! **_


	10. Alliance

Chapter 10

Alliance

After their business discussion over the robots' features, the Blues returned to their Base where Lloyd sent Presea back to the jail, left Genis to guard and went to talk to Emil, but he was shocked to learn that their machines had left.

"So Luna and Aska were just gone when you got back here?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep, they even left a note," Emil replied, pointing to a letter written in binary code and signed 'Aska y Luna' pinned to the wall. "It says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's just great."

"Didn't they have a non-compete clause?" Lloyd asked.

Emil turned to look at the letter again. "It's also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600 to discuss the terms of our defeat and/or surrender." He scratched his ghostly head in confusion. "0600… What does that mean?"

"Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the Reds?" Lloyd recalled.

"It means six o'clock, right?" Emil replied but then he frowned. "Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred? Does six hundred mean minutes, six hundred minutes? Because that'd be…" He did a quick calculation. "That'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or ten o'clock?"

Lloyd sighed and face palmed himself. "Man, we should get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's getting ridiculous."

It took them all night to work out what the time was, but they eventually decided to just show up at six.

* * *

All night was also the time it took for Kratos to build the robots but as morning came, he now had two figures standing by the Base, one black and one cobalt blue.

Sheena came out just as Kratos was finishing screwing in a new component. "How's it going, sir?"

"Great," Kratos replied as he pointed to a large plan on the ground next to him. "With these new color-coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistake I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious!" He chuckled before turning to the maroon soldier. "Uh, except for you, Fujibayashi. No mistakes there."

"Yeah I didn't think so," Sheena agreed as she casually took out her pistol. "You're great at this, even without any formal training or first party certification." As she spoke, she lowered her gun down and fired at her left foot.

Kratos glanced down at this and frowned. "Did you just shoot yourself in the foot?"

"Yeah I do that now sometimes," Sheena admitted, with a bit of pain noticeable in her voice, as she put her gun away. "And I'm not really sure why."

"I'm sure it's user error," Kratos shrugged.

Just then, Zelos came running out the Base. "Hey guys, it's almost time," he called out as he approached. "Are the robots ready yet?"

"Just putting on the finishing touches…" Kratos screwed in the component, closed the robot's armor and stepped back. "Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Francisco Montague Zanzibar." He nodded to the black robot before turning to the blue one. "And this one over here is Robot #2."

"Why didn't this one get a fancy name?" Zelos asked, pointing to the cobalt robot.

Kratos glowered at the second robot. "Let's just say somebody has an over clocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with."

In response, Robot #2 gave four loud tones followed by a honk and threw the bird at Kratos.

"But that's okay," Kratos continued. "I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out." He turned back to the robots. "Robot #2, codewooord: Dirtbag!"

The blue robot gave two loud beeps then a loud "Eep!" then stepped forward and punched Zelos in the face. "OWW!" he yelped as #2 stepped back. "Hey!"

Kratos chuckled at this. "Pretty nifty, huh?"

"That's awesome, sir!" Sheena laughed in delight. "Lemme try, lemme try. Codeword: dirtbag."

Beep, boop "Eep!" And #2 punched Zelos again.

"OWW!" Zelos yelled again. "Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword: dirtbag!"

Beep, boop "Eep!" And #2 punched Zelos yet again, this time knocking him to the ground.

"Oh, son of a bitch," Zelos scowled.

"But that's not the only feature," Kratos said.

"What do you mean, sir?" Sheena asked curiously.

"Well…" Kratos looked slightly embarrassed. "I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone that will allow us to eavesdrop on the Blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot contains a ten megaton bomb!" He burst out laughing before he realized, "I guess I kinda gave it away."

"Yeah, ya kinda did," Zelos replied as he got to his feet.

* * *

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Lloyd told Genis that the time was getting close and he should untie Presea.

"I think this is what they call the calm before the storm," Presea told the Blue as he struggled to undo the knots.

"I call it nap time, which is right before food time," Genis replied as he finally succeeded. "And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all."

As Presea stood up and rubbed feeling back in her arms, she turned and smiled at the Blue. "Genis, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together." He let out a sniff. "You are now, and forever will be… my friend!" And she flung her arms around Genis and even planted a kiss on his cheek before bursting into tears.

Genis hugged him back before saying, "Private Combatir? That kinda sounds Spanish."

"Yes, it does," Presea sobbed.

* * *

At 0600 exactly (six o'clock), the Reds and their robots were approaching the rendezvous in the middle of the canyon.

"You think they'll show up?" Zelos asked.

"Well, my gut says no," Sheena replied. "But then again, my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about. Stupid gut…"

Just then, the ground began to shake and Kratos looked round to see Luna and Aska, now brown once more, approaching from the side. "Great Caesar's Toast, looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!"

Aska stared at them in bafflement. "¿Por qué estan los rojos aquí? No el vamos a conquistarlos hasta la Jueves próximo." (What are the Reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.)

On the other side, Lloyd and Genis led Presea up the hill and came to a stop. "That's far enough." Genis warned the pink private.

Kratos spotted the Blues as they arrived. "Ah, they're lining up in flanking formation, those Blue jackals," he muttered. "Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas, this could get ugly."

On a cliff overlooking the canyon, Emil watched through his ghostly sniper scope as the three armies arrived. Then his radio crackled and Lloyd's voice called out, "Are you there, Castagnier? Castagnier, are you there?"

"Hey man," Emil replied. "I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's going on?"

"Sorry, man," Lloyd apologized. "I'm still picking up the Reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Aska song. There's a lot of chatter."

"Well, are you at least getting any useful information?" Emil asked intrigued.

"Nah," Lloyd replied. "It's just the same two people bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?"

Emil sighed and looked through his scope. "Alright, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion."

Lloyd looked around puzzled. "Uh, Castagnier, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here."

"What?" Emil asked.

"I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle," Lloyd explained with a shrug. "It looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note."

"Okay, fine, Triangle of Confusion," Emil sighed. "Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, WHO CARES? Get the God damn show on the road!"

"Alright, alright, sorry," Lloyd muttered. "Initiating primary commencement phase."

Presea listened to the conversation in bafflement. "What're they talking about?"

"Quiet, Commander Pop'n'Fresh," Genis snapped. "I think they're talking about your golden flaky crust."

Lloyd then turned to address the Reds and the robot army. "Hello, everyone, we're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative slash prisoner from each group to cross sides."

Zelos looked over to the robot army. "Hey, I think I see Aska over there!"

"Aska la pesado no te haga caso." (Aska the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.) the robot yelled out.

"Tell him, big daddy!" Luna concurred.

"Yep, it's him," Zelos told the others.

Lloyd then turned to Presea. "Okay, get going, pinky."

Presea nodded and set off across the gulch.

"Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun!" Genis called out. "I will always remember your buttery goodness!" He then turned to Lloyd. "Who was that chick?"

"Look, they're releasing Presea!" Sheena cried.

Kratos turned to his robots. "Go on, Francis Ex, front and center."

Francisco Montague Zanzibar gave a quick nod and set off towards Presea. Aska let out a gasp in horror. "¡Un robotesa! Quieren echar nuestros contra nosotros! (A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!)

Lloyd heard Aska's shouts and activated his radio. "Um, Castagnier, do you think maybe in hindsight, it was a bad idea for us to put Aska around a bunch of robots?"

"Just stick to the plan, Irving," Emil ordered as he set off down the cliff. "Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Aska's fire, come on!"

While Lloyd was distracted, Aska ran up between the exchanges and pointed his gun at Zanzibar. "Alto, traidor." (Don't move, traitor.)

"What the…? It's a double cross!" Kratos yelled out. "Combatir, Frankie Zane, get back here!"

"No!" Lloyd shouted as he aimed at Aska. "Stay where you are! Do not go back!"

"Now the Blues are aiming at each other?" Sheena asked confused. "What the hell's going on?"

"We've been outmaneuvered, men!" Kratos bellowed. "Take cover, I'm calling in an airstrike!"

As Kratos activated his radio, the feedback blared through Lloyd's earpiece, almost deafening him. "OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?"

"Red Command, come in!" Kratos called out. "This is Blood Gulch Outpost #1! Do you read me?"

"Hello, hello, who's there?" Lloyd frowned at the voice that responded. It sounded familiar somehow… "Come in; is that you, Private Irving? Hello."

"Private who?" the Red CO asked confused. "No, Botta, this is Kratos Aurion, from Blood Gulch Outpost #1."

Lloyd gasped in horror as Botta realized his mistake. "Oh, hey there, Kratos, long time no see. Sorry 'bout that, I uh… anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?"

_Red Command?_ Lloyd thought in alarm as Kratos gave the sitrep. "I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!"

"Can do, Aurion." At his console, Vic clicked on the Airstrikes option on his screen. "I will send an airstrike to target the Blue forces now. 'Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form."

"But I can't," Kratos protested. "I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Fujibayashi 2.0!"

Behind her, Sheena suddenly gave a loud series of beeps followed by a dialing tone. "Whoa," she coughed. "Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate."

Zelos looked behind her. "Hey Sheena, why is there paper coming out of your ass?"

"What the hell, Botta?" Lloyd cut in at this point. "How do you know the Red Team? Why are you helping them against the Blues? What the fuck is going on here?"

At his console, Vic suddenly looked embarrassed. "Oh… Private Irving, you're on here too, um… See, I uh… you guys are, uh…" He gulped loudly. "Uh, I gotta go; bad connection."

"Wait, Botta! Red Command! Come in, I need ya!" Kratos called out as Vic hung up.

Vic breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, that's not gonna be very good for business."

Back at Blood Gulch, Kratos let out a sigh of defeat. "Fujibayashi, Wilder… We're out of luck." He then pulled out his shotgun. "Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!"

"Wait," Zelos cried out. "I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?"

"Yeah," Sheena agreed. "Let's all take dying as an open action item and come back with suggestions next meeting."

"No," Kratos growled as he cocked his shotgun. "It has to be today! For our ancestors!" And with a great rebel yell, he charged over the hill.

Lloyd ran up his hill, but for a different reason. "Wait everyone, stop fighting!" he called out desperately. "It's all a lie! Blue is Red, Red is Blue!"

But Kratos's yells of conquest overlapped Lloyd's shouts of reason, and there was total pandemonium!

From behind the Reds, Emil appeared and tried to contact his teal teammate. "Irving, your radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!"

Genis then charged towards Kratos, firing his pistol in the air. "This is fun!"

"Quiet, Sarge," Sheena yelled to her CO. "I can't hear what that guy's yelling!"

Luna then rolled into the canyon, her turret waving every which way. "Lock and load."

"I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!" Kratos screamed as he fired his shotgun into the air. "I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!"

"Stop fighting!" Lloyd cried out. "Stop fighting!"

"What did you say, Blue?" Sheena called back.

Quickly, Emil took over Robot #2's body and ran towards his team.

Amidst the chaos, nobody noticed Mithos approaching in the purple vehicle towards them at top speed… until it was too late.

"There's no Red versus Blue! It's all a-WAAAAAAAGHHH!" A rocket had suddenly slammed into Lloyd and sent him flying. "Son of a bitch!"

"What the hell is that?" Kratos cried out, dropping his weapon in alarm.

"What the hell is that?" Emil screamed in alarm.

"Mira que cosa?" Aska shouted.

Presea gasped in horror. "Oh my God, it's the cave devil! Run for your lives!"

At once, another rocket shot out and hit the ground, making Presea, Emil, Genis, Aska and Zanzibar scatter in terror.

"Oops," Doc called out. "Sorry about that big explosion!"

"**Sorry it wasn't bigger!**" an evil voice added with a sinister laugh.

Emil skidded to a halt and whirled round. "Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere… That's Tenebrae!"

As Doc fired at the Reds and made them run for it, he shouted out, "My bad!"

Emil ran over to Zanzibar and grabbed his shoulder. "Come on, robot, you're with me!"

Aska ran back to his tank sweetheart. "Luna, stop them!"

"My pleasure," Luna replied, firing her cannon at the retreating robots.

Nearby, Kratos and Zelos had run behind a boulder to avoid Tenebrae's wrath.

"Zelos, we're going to die," Kratos sighed in condemnation. "I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield."

"Yeeeah," Zelos muttered awkwardly. "I hope you die first too."

Meanwhile, Emil and Zanzibar met up with Genis and together they ran over to their wounded comrade.

"Irving!" Emil called out, kneeling beside his teal teammate and propping him up slightly off the ground. "Irving, are you okay?"

With a groan, Lloyd opened his eyes and looked at his leader. "Castagnier… the purple guy… he's-"

"Yeah, I know," Emil interrupted. "It's Tenebrae. He must have got in the medic somehow."

"No," Lloyd moaned, shaking his head stiffly. "He's an asshole."

"Castagnier, how come Irving gets to nap during battles and I don't?" Genis asked.

Behind them, the possessed Mithos swooped down to the robot army, leant over in his seat of the scooter and plucked Aska out of the canyon before zooming away.

"Aska, no!" Luna cried out. As quickly as she could, she trundled towards the Blues. "Help, he took Aska!"

"What?" Emil leapt to his feet in alarm. "Where'd he go?"

Then O'Malley's evil laugh echoed from behind them. "Here I am, you fool!"

Emil, Genis, Zanzibar and the Reds all spun round… to see Mithos/Tenebrae standing on the roof of the Red Base, one hand on Aska's shoulder, the other raised in victory.

"How'd he get up there so quick?" Emil cried out.

"That guy's wicked fast!" Presea complimented.

"Thanks!" Mithos replied. "I lettered in track in high school! It was the least competitive sport I could find!"

"Track sucks." Zelos yelled.

"**You suck!**" O'Malley shouted back before he whipped out his stolen pistol and pointed it at Aska. "**And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me… look out!**"

Zelos and Sheena glanced at each other in fear as O'Malley finished his rant. "**The universe will be mine! Hahahahahahaaaaaa!**"

Luna rolled back in horror. "Aska! Nooooo!"

O'Malley then shoved his prisoner into the Reds' teleporter. "**Move it, brown pot. Into the abyss!**" And he jumped in afterwards, his laughter echoing around the canyon.

"Everyone hold your fire!" Emil called out. "We're coming out. Truce."

"Time out," Genis added as he followed Emil and Zanzibar in joining the befuddled Reds.

"Would someone explain what just happened here?" Zelos demanded.

"That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Aska," Emil explained.

"But we need Aska for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you," Kratos cried out. "We have to get him back."

"Yeah, and we have to get the evil guy back," Emil added. "He's the only one around here that can heal Irving."

"So now we're forced to work together," Zelos muttered. "How ironic."

"No, that's not ironic," Sheena argued. "Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

"No," Presea differed. "Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Aska, Aska kidnapped him."

"I think," Kratos then suggested, "it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds."

"I think it would be ironic," Genis added, "if everyone was made of iron."

It took another two hours for the argument to get anywhere, but eventually the Blues (sans Lloyd), the Reds and Zanzibar had gathered on the roof of the Red Base with Luna waiting next to the Warthog and Doc's abandoned scooter.

"Okay," Emil said slowly. "We all agree that while the current situation is not totally ironic, that fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everyone happy with that?"

"Yes," Kratos said and Zelos and Presea nodded in agreement.

Sheena then came up behind Emil. "And I just finished reprogramming our teleporter to take us directly to Aska and Tenebrae's coordinates."

Kratos nodded at this. "We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our person will be Presea."

"We will leave Corporal Croissandwich," Genis added.

"Sage…" Emil warned.

Genis sighed. "We will leave Luna."

"Yeah, thanks guys," Presea muttered crossly. "Because, you know, if it is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off."

Emil then turned to the others. "Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time. You first, Aurion."

Kratos nodded and raised his shotgun. "Today seems like a good day to teleport! Geronimo!" And he ran into the teleporter.

Genis followed with a cry of "Piscataway!"

Sheena started forward then paused. "Hmmm…."

"What's wrong?" Zelos asked.

"I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again," Sheena muttered, taking one last look at the canyon.

"And that's a bad thing?" Zelos asked.

"I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird." And with that, Sheena ran into the teleporter.

Emil then stepped forward. "Alright, it's Zelos, right? You and me will go through together. Ready?"

"You first," Zelos replied.

With a nod, Emil ran into the teleporter and Zelos followed right behind.

Now Presea was all alone, save for Luna and Zanzibar. "Huh," she muttered to himself. "I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard Tenebrae say about sabotage when I was in the cave… Ah well," he shrugged then he turned towards Luna and coughed embarrassingly. "Uh, hi!"

"Stop staring at my treads, buddy," Luna snapped.

"Geez, sorry," Presea apologized and turned towards the canyon wall, whistling to herself.

Behind her, a black, ghostly figure climbed onto the roof, spotted Zanzibar and took the robot over without hesitation. Then she turned round and spoke. "Alright, you sons of bitches, I'm back and I've got some-"

Marta stopped as she realized no one was there. "Hey, where'd everybody go?" She then spotted Presea standing nearby. "Do I know you?"

Presea turned round and Marta snapped her fingers in realization. "Hey, you're the girl who blew me up!"

As Luna turned her turret towards him, Presea gulped in fright. "Uh oh…"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kratos emerged from the teleporter and pointed his shotgun out. "Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!"

"Okay, I surrender," Genis called out as he appeared behind him. "Now it's your turn."

"Not you, moron," Kratos yelled then he suddenly took his surroundings. They were standing in a creek which ran through a small forest in the middle of a canyon smaller than Blood Gulch. "Wait a minute, where are we?"

* * *

At that moment, Sheena also came out the teleporter, but she found herself all alone in a massive series of corridors filled with glowing teleporters. "Guys? Oh guys…" She looked around in confusion. "Where is everybody?"

* * *

At the same time, Emil and Zelos leapt out of the teleporter and ran up a hill.

"Alright, now let's just find-" Emil stopped as he realized the other weren't there. "Where is everybody?"

Zelos meanwhile was taking in the view. The cliff they were standing on overlooked a great snowy field. On one side was a large clump of frosted trees and on the other, a great building squatted like a frog in the icy plains. "Whoa," the orange soldier breathed with a shiver. "Where are we? What is this place?"

Emil looked around, took in the sights and immediately he recognized the place: he was back on Flanoir Island.

"Freeze!" A voice called out to them. "Drop your weapon!"

Emil and Zelos whirled around to see a tan-clad soldier pointing his assault rifle at them. "Uh oh," Emil gulped.

The soldier glowered at the trespassers. "I said, freeze, dirtbag!"

Emil suddenly gave a loud beep, boop then an "Eep!" and he punched Zelos right in the face.

"OW! Oh, come on!" Zelos yelled as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Before Emil could ask what happened there, he felt a sharp crack on the side of his head and everything went black…

* * *

_**FUCKING FINALLY! I GOT THIS CHAPTER DONE! OK SO ONCE AGAIN, SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG, IT'S HELL TRYING TO GET THESE UP. OK SO FOR THOSE THAT KNOW RED VS. BLUE: A NEW CHARACTER'S COMING INTO PLAY IN SEASON 3. OUR FAVORITE BRITISH FREELANCER, WYOMING. NOW I JUST NEED TO DECIDE THE CODENAME THATS GONNA BE USED FOR WHO USES HIM AND THE CHARACTER HIMSELF. I'M THINKING RICHTER BUT I MIGHT CHANGE IT UP. HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. ANYWAY, THANKS FOR READING. SEASON 3 WILL BE COMING WHEN IT COMES, COCKBITES! AND ALSO ONE MORE THING, THE NEW EPISODES IN SEASON 10, AWESOME! GLAD THEY DECIDED TO REALLY GO INTO THE AI UNITS AND CAROLINA'S DEVELOPMENT AS A CHARACTER. ANYWAY, HASTA LUEGO!**_


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